Dear Diary
by Alice laughed
Summary: Quil gives a diary to Claire for her 10th birthday.  What's it like growing up with a werewolf protector?  See their relationship grow through her eyes. Now complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** _This is for this whole piece. All characters, the werewolf legend, and the entire universe belong to Stephenie Meyer. I mean no harm and make no profit from this. I only wanted to try my hand at the werewolf side of things, through the eyes of someone growing up with a werewolf protector.   
_

_I will update this as often as possible, as things strike me. The entries will be very short at first, as Claire is pretty young._

* * *

November 16, 2014

Dear Diary,

Hi. My name is Claire and I am 10 years old. Today is my birthday. My friend Quil gave you to me for my present. I can call him my friend now and not my babysitter. I am too old for a babysitter now. Quil said that he won't baby sit me anymore. He said that he'll just come hang out and be my friend. Mom said that was fine. I'm finally growing up!

Quil said that I have to write down important things so I will remember them. Tomorrow we're going to get ice cream.

Love,

Claire


	2. Chapter 2

December 25, 2014

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry I didn't write in you since my birthday. Quil asked if I did and I lied to him because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I will try to remember.

Today was Christmas. We had fun. We went to Aunt Emily's and Uncle Sam's house all day. Quil was there too. I like going to visit Aunt Emily. She said I can come there for a whole month this summer if it's ok with Mom. She said I am old enough to help her take care of the baby. I hope Mom says yes.

Love,

Claire


	3. Chapter 3

Jan 1, 2015

Dear Diary,

Happy New Year! Mom and Dad went out to a party last night, but they said that I wasn't old enough to go. Quil came over to hang out and he said that we could have our own party. Sarah said it was lame. Just because she's 12 she thinks she's so big. We made popcorn and Quil hung the Christmas lights around the living room and turned off all the other lights. It was really pretty. We watched the New Year's Eve show and danced to the music. Quil dances weird. I laughed at him. Then at midnight we went outside and banged on a skillet with a big spoon. Sarah said we were supposed to kiss a boy but the only one there was Quil. So we kissed his cheeks. He said that would give him double luck all year. I don't know why he didn't go to the party. He said that he doesn't like parties but then he made one for us. Maybe we can have one next year too.

Love,

Claire


	4. Chapter 4

Jan 23, 2015

Dear Diary,

It snowed today! We didn't have school. Mom still had to go to work so Quil came over to hang out again. He just laughed when I asked him about his job. I wonder what he does.

We slid down the hill on pieces of plastic. Then we had a snowball fight. I hit Sarah in the face. She was mad at me and put snow down my shirt. Quil made us quit and go inside.

Sometimes he still acts like a babysitter instead of a friend. He made us hot chocolate and put marshmallows in it. It was good. I hope it snows again soon. I had fun today.

Love,

Claire


	5. Chapter 5

_A quick note - The entries are short and lack detail because Claire is still very young. Also, she doesn't know her connection with Quil yet. He's just a guy who is always around and always has been around. Plus, he's a grownup._

_Don't worry, as she gets older the entries will be better, and closer together. I'm basing this on the kind of thing I did when I was 10 - so it's disjointed. At 10, Claire doesn't realize that she won't remember everything, so detail is unimportant to her._

_I'll be combing entries as chapters now if I write a bunch at once. Good idea. Thanks!_

* * *

Feb 14, 2015

Dear Diary,

I got a Valentine today! A whole box of chocolate just for me. It was on the porch when I got up this morning. Too bad it's Saturday. I can't wait to tell them at school. It doesn't say who it's from. I wonder who sent it. Sarah's mad. She didn't get one.

Love,

Claire

* * *

March 17, 2015

Dear Diary,

I forgot to wear green today. It was St. Patrick's day and I forgot so morning at school kids were pinching me. I was so mad! It's a dumb holiday anyway. But Quil came by school at lunch. He never said why he was there but he brought me some green shoelaces so I put them on right away. He said he always forgot when he was a kid and they would pinch him really hard. I'm glad he did that. I'm going to have to use green shoelaces forever so I won't ever forget again.

Love,

Claire

* * *

April 1, 2015

Dear Diary,

I can't remember to write in here when nothing happens, and nothing ever happens around here anyway. Today was April fool's day. It's another dumb holiday. Peter Gordon followed me around all day telling me that my shoes were untied. He's a pest.

Quil played a trick on us though. He put bubble wrap on all of our chairs so when we sat in them they made popping noises. It was really funny. I'm glad he's my friend. I would never think of that.

Love,

Claire

* * *

May 29, 2015

Dear Diary,

Today was the last day of school! Next year I'm going to be in 5th grade. I can't believe it. Mom said that she's thinking of moving down to La Push so she'll be closer to work. Then I'd go to a whole new school too. I hope we do. Then I can go over and visit Aunt Emily and Uncle Sam and the baby more. I still get to go for a month this summer, but it would be so cool if I got to go there every day. Quil lives in La Push so he really wants us to move there too. I heard him talking with Mom about it last night after I was supposed to be in bed. I was too excited to sleep because today was the last day. Anyway, he said something about watching over us better if we were closer. I wonder what he meant by that? I wonder if he likes Mom or something. That would be weird. She's married. But Dad is gone a lot now since they gave him a longer route to drive. Quil is always around, but he looks like he's a lot younger than mom is. But he's been around here for as long as I remember so maybe he's older than he looks. I wonder how old he is? I'll have to ask him.

Love,

Claire

* * *

June 5, 2015

Dear Diary,

We are moving to La Push! Mom found a neat little house that is less expensive than this one, and we've been working all week to get everything ready. The new house is yellow and it has a bigger porch but it has a smaller yard. We'll be really close to the store though. Close enough that I can ride my bike. And we'll be really near Aunt Emily's house too. Mom said that me and Sarah can go over there when she has to work. Sarah turned 13 too, so now she's big enough to be at home during the day. Mom still won't let us stay home at night though. She said it's not safe. Like anything ever happens around here.

I have to pack you now, so be good. Oh I asked Quil how old he was and he just said Older than you.

Love,

Claire


	6. Chapter 6

Aug 31, 2015

Dear Diary,

I can't believe I didn't unpack you until today. I forgot where I put you and I was so busy all summer I didn't really have much time for writing anyway. I didn't go stay with Aunt Emily since she lives right up the road now. I went to her house almost every day. There is always a lot of people there. Quil is there a lot, and other men named Jacob and Embry are there a lot too. She's always cooking something. They eat a lot. Baby Billy is so cute. I love helping to take care of him. He's learning now to walk now and Aunt Emily said that I'm a huge help keeping him out of trouble.

I got to go down to First Beach a lot too. I met some girls that will be in my class at school. June and Becky are both going to be in my class. They are very nice. They're my new best friends. School starts next week. Quil is going to take us to get our school supplies tomorrow.

Love,

Claire

* * *

Sept 8, 2015

Dear Diary,

Today was the first day of school. I really like my new school. It's close enough to ride my bike. Becky and June are in my class, which is really great. I didn't feel like the new kid at all since I met so many people on the beach this summer. Quil brought us flowers for the first day of school. He's so weird sometimes.

Love,

Claire

* * *

Oct 2, 2015

Dear Diary,

We're going to have a fall festival at school for Halloween. I'm going to be on the decorations committee. We're going to make the multipurpose room look all scary. The boys are supposed to make a maze out of hay too. And we're going to have a costume contest! Quil said that he would help me make my costume. I don't know what to be yet but he said we can think of something that will scare the socks off everyone. I asked him what he was going to be and he just laughed. He said that he's the same thing every year, but he wouldn't tell me what it is.

June and Becky think it's weird that I hang out with Quil all the time since he's a grownup. But he's not like a real grownup. He's like a great big kid. Mom even yells at him sometimes like she yells at us. He doesn't say anything back even though he's bigger than she is. I think that's funny.

Love,

Claire

* * *

Oct 30, 2015

Dear Diary,

The Fall Festival is tomorrow! I can't wait. I'm going to be a wicked witch. I got this old raggedy black dress and Quil got this green wig that looks like seaweed. He's not coming to the festival though. He said that he has to work. He does something where he has to patrol the reservation. I asked him if he worked with the police and he said that it was something kind of like that. I wish he didn't have to work. He would have fun at the festival.

Love,

Claire


	7. Chapter 7

Nov 1, 2015 

Dear Diary,

The fall festival was awesome! Last night was so spooky too. We put all those fake cobwebs all over the multipurpose room and it looked kind of stupid in the daytime, but last night with the weird lights on and everything it was just creepy. And the scariest part was we kept hearing wolves howl! They sounded really close too. Some of the grownups there looked scared too, but Aunt Emily said that there was nothing to worry about and to remember that the wolf is a friend to our tribe. I won a prize for my costume but Becky got first place. Her costume was really good. She was a venus flytrap. It must have taken her ages to make it. I don't care about not winning though. Jason Turner said that I made a good witch. He kept smiling at me all night.

Quil never did show up. I thought he might because he always ends up places, but I guess he had to stay at work.

Love,

Claire

* * *

Nov 16, 2015 

Dear Diary,

It's my birthday again! I'm 11 years old today and I guess that you are 1 year old. I didn't write in you too much this year. Maybe some better stuff will happen this year and I'll have more to write about.

Mom gave me a birthday party yesterday here at the house. since today was a school day. All my friends from school came and Aunt Emily and Uncle Sam and baby Billy and Quil came too. We had a lot of people in our house, but for once in my life it wasn't raining so we could be outside some too. I got a lot of books for presents and some drawing paper too. I asked Mom if I could have a bonfire on the beach for my next birthday, but she said that has to wait until I'm 13.

Love,

Claire

* * *

Nov 30, 2015 

Dear Diary,

I have a lot of homework all the time now. It sucks. I hate current events.

Love,

Claire

* * *

Dec 26, 2015 

Dear Diary,

I haven't been able to write you much. They have a big test that we're supposed to take at school this spring and so they give us homework all the time to make sure we're ready for it. Something about making sure we're at the same level as the school in town. I went there before I came to the rez school and I think the rez school is harder.

Yesterday was Christmas. It was a really good day. Aunt Emily cooked a lot of really good food and everyone came over here since our living room is bigger. Dad got me and Sarah new coats, which is kind of a boring gift, but they're really nice. The inside is soft enough to sleep in. Mom gave me a new art set. I guess that's why she gave me drawing paper for my birthday. It's really nice and has chalks, pencils, oil pastels, and water color pencils in it. She must have told Quil because he gave me a big bunch of water color paper. It's thicker so it doesn't get ruined when it gets wet. I'll have to make pictures for everyone now.

Love,

Claire

* * *

Jan 1, 2016

Dear Diary,

Happy New Year again! Sarah was really mad last night because Mom and Dad wouldn't let her go to a party. They said that she can't stay out until Midnight until she's older. They said that you have to be 13 to stay out until Midnight on New Years. That made her really mad because she'll be 13 in a month. That means that I'll be able to go out to a party in 2 years!

Quil came over again and we made our own party again. Aunt Emily sent over popcorn balls and we ate some but ended up pretending that they were snowballs and having a snowball fight in the living room. It took forever to clean that up, but it made Sarah come out of her room. She was still mad though and sat on the couch a lot instead of dancing. She wouldn't kiss Quil's cheek either but he told me that I have plenty of luck for him. I think she was mad because she wanted to kiss a boy at a real party. I asked Quil why he didn't go to a party and really kiss a lady and he just laughed. He's weird.

Love,

Claire


	8. Chapter 8

Jan 29, 2016 

Dear Diary,

I don't have anything good to tell you. It hasn't snowed yet this year and all I do is go to school and do homework. Becky is having a slumber party tomorrow and that's the first good thing since New Years.

Love,

Claire

* * *

Feb 14, 2016

Dear Diary,

I got a Valentine again! I wonder who it is. Next year I'm going to spy on the porch and see if I can catch him. I thought it was Dad, but if it was Dad he'd leave something for Sarah too. She's not mad this year though. She got something from some guy named Henry. 

Love,

Claire

* * *

June 3, 2016

Dear Diary,

School is finally done! I'm so glad. This year was really hard, but the test that we had to take was easy. I'm just glad it's over. Aunt Emily is going to have her baby any day now and now I can go help. I don't have anything to say that wouldn't be complaining about school.

Love,

Claire

* * *

June 7, 2016

Dear Diary,

Aunt Emily had her baby! It's a little girl and they named her Sandra but they're going to call her Sandy. She is soooo cute! Uncle Sam said that she was a big baby but she's so tiny. She is almost 9 pounds and has a whole lot of hair. It sticks up all over her head. Mom said that I looked a lot like her when I was born. She held on to my finger for a long time. I can't wait for them to come home so I can go help. Sarah and I are taking care of Billy during the day until they come home and he's here with us at night too. He's easy to take care of if we let him play in the sink.

Love,

Claire

* * *

July 5, 2016 

Dear Diary,

I haven't been writing because I've been helping at Aunt Emily's house a lot, and the rest of the time I go hang out with my friends. Becky and June are having a fight. June likes Greg but Becky said that she liked him first. I don't know why they're fighting over that because he doesn't really talk to either one of them. But they're fighting.

Quil took us to see the fireworks last night. It was so much fun. He bought ice cream cones for us and ate his really fast. He said he had to eat it before it melted. Come to think of it he is really warm all the time. I should ask him about that.

Love,

Claire

* * *

July 6, 2016

Dear Diary,

I asked Quil why he was so warm all the time. He said that he has a high metabolism. I didn't know that would make you warm, but I guess it does.

Love,

Claire

* * *

Aug 12, 2016

Dear Diary,

They started running ads about school starting again. I kind of want to go back. Sarah looked at me like I had 3 heads when I said that. Aunt Emily doesn't need so much help anymore and June and Becky are still not talking to each other so it's kind of boring. Quil is the only fun person around here. He said that he'd take me to a baseball game tomorrow and we could see who can eat more hot dogs. He'll win. He always does. He eats more hot dogs than anyone I've ever seen, but he doesn't get fat. He said that's because he runs a lot.

Love,

Claire

* * *

Sept 8, 2016

Dear Diary,

Well now I'm in the 6th grade. This year looks like it's going to be easier than last year was. I get to take art and creative writing too. And there's no big test this year either. Hooray! Becky and June finally got over their fight. Neither one of them likes Greg anymore. I don't know why they liked him in the first place. He's a pest.

Love,

Claire

* * *

November 16, 2016

Dear Diary,

Today I am 12. I had a really good birthday. Mom and Dad got me some more books, and Quil gave me more art stuff. I guess they know just what I want. Mom said I really can have a party on the beach next year if it isn't raining.

Lots of stuff happened since I wrote you last. We had the fall festival again and I got to paint lots of stuff for the decorating committee. It was really good. I went as a tiger this year because I wanted to try painting my face. It looked really good. The principal asked me if I would do face painting next year for all the kids. I probably will. It would be fun.

Greg asked me to be his girlfriend. I said no. I don't really like him and I don't want June and Becky to be mad at me. They said that they don't like him anymore but I think they still do and since I don't like him anyway it doesn't matter. I didn't tell Mom though. I think she'd be mad about it. I told Quil though. He said that if I didn't like him then it was best. Just be nice about saying no. And I was so it's all OK. He asked me if there was any boy I did like. I don't like anyone right now. I don't think boys have cooties or anything dumb like that. I just don't like anyone.

Love,

Claire


	9. Chapter 9

_I'm really trying to resist the urge to have Claire lose her diary so I can skip ahead! I wanted her to start at 10 because I wanted to show the progression from oblivious kid, but it's hard to wait.  
_

* * *

November 18, 2016

I'm not going to keep writing Dear Diary now. It seems kind of silly. I thought that being 12 would be different but it's not. I still have the same homework and do the same things every day. Sarah is always over at Aunt Emily's house helping, but when I go over there I feel like I'm getting in the way and Sarah is so bossy I don't want to be where she is anyway. She'll be 15 in a few months though, and then she'll be able to get a job at the store after school. That's all she talks about. Then I'll be able to go over to Aunt Emily's house more and not feel like I'm in the way.

I can't wait for Christmas break.

* * *

Dec 23, 2016

We had early release from school today for Christmas break. Of course it's raining. Sarah went to a friend's house after school, but Quil picked me up and we went Christmas shopping. He didn't have to work today. He said that he does most of his work at night, so during the day he sleeps. I asked him if he'd show me where he works and he just waved his hand and said that he works here. Sometimes I wish he'd just give a straight answer, but when I ask him too many questions he just laughs at me and calls me nosey. Uncle Sam is like that too, and they work together. Maybe they're spies. That would be cool. Except there's really nothing to spy on here in La Push.

He asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year, and I said a puppy but Mom won't let me have one. I don't know why he thought that was so funny but he laughed really hard. Sometimes I think he's telling jokes about things that I don't know about.

* * *

Dec 27, 2016

Christmas was really good this year. Mom and Dad did the usual giving me clothes and books and art supplies, but my favorite present was from Quil. He brought me a necklace with this little teeny carving of a wolf hanging from it. He said that he asked his friend Jacob to make it. It's brown like chocolate and it looks real. He said that it's the closest thing to a puppy that he can give me. I'm going to wear it every day.

* * *

January 1, 2017

Happy New Year again! We went to a party last night at Aunt Emily's house! I thought for sure Mom and Dad wouldn't let me go because they wouldn't let Sarah go to a party until she was 13, but they said that they meant a party that was just kids with no adults around, and since Aunt Emily's party was for everyone I got to go. Sarah went to a party with her friends from school. She said that she didn't want to go to a family party. I think she just wanted to hang out with her boyfriend without Mom and Dad being there.

Aunt Emily's house was fun. All the men who work with Uncle Sam were there so Quil was there too. They're all really big. I don't know how we smashed everyone in to her little house. There weren't many kids there because most of them were too little to come and got left home with babysitters. Quil let me have a teeny sip of his champagne and Mom didn't even yell at him for it. I know she saw it. I can't believe she didn't say anything.

* * *

Feb 2, 2017

Jason Turner asked me to be his girlfriend today. I said yes. He's really nice and really cute. I like him a lot. We're going to eat lunch together tomorrow. I'm not telling Mom though. She'd start moaning about her little girl growing up like she did when Sarah first had a boyfriend. It's not like we can go out anywhere anyway. Neither one of us can drive.

I told Quil and he looked kind of sad for a minute. I thought he was going to start moaning about me growing up like Mom would, but he just asked me if I was happy. I am so he said that was just fine. Sometimes I wonder what he's thinking but he never says if I ask him.

Valentine's Day is coming up and I'll have a real Valentine! I wonder if I should get him something? I wonder if he'll kiss me?

* * *

Feb 14, 2017

I got some chocolate from my secret Valentine again. I forgot all about trying to catch whoever leaves things on the porch. Jason was kind of mad that someone gave me a Valentine. Like it's my fault! He gave me a box of candy hearts. It was funny because I got him the same thing. I think he was going to try to kiss me but his friends wouldn't go away so he didn't. I don't know if I want him to or not. It makes me feel funny to think about it, and it would be at school which is just weird.

* * *

Feb 21, 2017

I hate Jason Turner. Not really but he broke up with me today and I'm really really mad at him. He said that he didn't like me anymore. Fine. I don't like him either. There really wasn't any point to calling him my boyfriend anyway. He never wanted to talk on the phone and his stupid friends were always around. I think that's why he did it. Because his friends picked on him all the time.

I feel really stupid and like I want to cry. I gotta go. Quil's here and no one else is home to get the door.

--

It's later that same day. I feel like such a moron. Quil saw that something was wrong right away and as soon as he asked I started crying all over him. He just patted my back and told me that it would be ok. He told me a really sad story about his friend Jacob and this girl that he loved when they were in high school. Her name was Bella and she loved him too but she loved someone else more and went to be with him instead. It was one of the saddest stories I ever heard, but it made me feel a little better. I told Quil that I wasn't going to be anyone's girlfriend until I was in high school. He said that was probably a good idea.

* * *

April, 22, 2017

It's Saturday and I haven't written for so long that I decided I should get this down and write something down. But there's really not much to talk about. After Jason dumped me I was really mad about it and I didn't want to write down all that mad stuff. And I thought that Sarah was sneaking in here to read my diary. So I did what they did in one of those spy movies and took one of my hairs and wrapped it around the diary and left it out on the shelf where she would see it right away if she came in here. Then if she opened it the hair would fall off but she wouldn't know about it and I would.

But she must not be because the hair was still there. So now I feel better about writing everything down.

June and Becky were really mad at me at first because I ate lunch with Jason and then when we broke up I wanted to eat with them again. And then June started being Joel's girlfriend and went to eat with him and then she told me that she was sorry and didn't blame me anymore. So that was better. I'm not mad at Jason anymore. He's just stupid and immature if he has to do what his friends tell him to do. I found out that he asked me in the first place because his friends saw him smiling at me and dared him. It's really dumb. I'm definitely not dating any boys until high school if that's how it is. I told June but she doesn't care. She likes Joel. Becky is just jealous because she's the only one who hasn't had a boyfriend yet so she won't listen either.

I'm getting really tired of 6th grade. I'm glad we only have a little over a month left.

* * *

May 5th, 2017

Well Becky got a boyfriend now too so I had to start eating lunch with some other people. I asked Sharon from my art class if I could eat with her and she said that was OK. I should have asked to eat with her a long time ago. She's a really nice person. I told her about Jason and June and Becky and all of that and she said that her sister did all that too. She has an older sister too and her sister is just as snotty as Sarah is. So I guess I'm glad that Becky got a boyfriend because I made a new friend. We're going to go to the movies tonight. Quil is going to take us. He said it's been too long since we went to see anything, and then Sharon is going to spend the night here. We're going to First Beach tomorrow because it's supposed to be sunny.

* * *

May 7th, 2017

I had a good time this weekend with Sharon and Quil, but Sharon said something that has me wondering. She thought that Quil was in his 20s, but he has to be older than that because he was my babysitter for a long time when I was really little. But I guess if he was 15 or something when he started babysitting me then he'd be somewhere around 26 now. I asked him how old he was again and he just called me Supersleuth and wouldn't answer.

Sharon said it's kind of strange that we hang out and are friends, but she just doesn't know him. I told her that I've known him for forever so it doesn't seem weird to me. After she met him she said that he wasn't so weird but now I'm wondering about him. I mean, he looks the same as he always has. Shouldn't he look older?

* * *

May 8th, 2017

I asked Quil about why he always looks the same and he said that he just drinks his Ovaltine. I feel like there's something that he's not telling me.

* * *

June 2, 2017

Aunt Emily got a part time job at the store with Mom, so I'm going to babysit Billy and Sandy while she's at work. She's even going to pay me. My first real job! I start on Monday. She'll only work 3 hours at a time, and not every day so I will still have lots of time to do other stuff, but it's really exciting. I told Quil and he is going to take me out for pizza to celebrate.

* * *

June 9, 2017

Boy it's harder than I thought taking care of Billy and Sandy at the same time. Sandy turned 1 on Wednesday and she is already walking. She tries to get into everything and screams when Billy tries to take a toy away from her. It's very loud over there. Quil came by yesterday when I was there and said that they were acting a lot like me and Sarah used to be. I asked him what he did and he said that he bought earplugs. Ha ha very funny. I'm going to have to figure something out or I'll be deaf by the end of the summer.

* * *

June 27, 2017

It's a good thing Aunt Emily didn't have to work today. Ladies and Gentlemen, today I got my first period. I knew all about it from when Sarah got hers, and I guess Mom was expecting it because she wasn't surprised but I sure was. So I guess I'm a woman now. Maybe I'll get some boobs now. It seems like everyone else has them already.

It's kind of gross, but kind of cool too. Mom got all weepy at first - I guess because I'm her youngest kid and I'm growing up - and she pulled out a bunch of old pictures from when I was a baby. We sat there looking at them for forever. And you know what? Quil was in a bunch of them and he looks just the SAME. I'm going to get them out the next time he's over here and point that out to him and see what he says. I know it's not Ovaltine.


	10. Chapter 10

July 2, 2017

Quil came over today to ask if I wanted to go see the fireworks again this year, so I got out the pictures and showed him. He got really quiet at first and wouldn't look at me. Then he said that I'm right, and there's a really good reason, but that I'm not old enough to know about it yet. I said that if I'm old enough to notice it then I'm old enough to know about it but he still wouldn't say anything. He said that he had to talk to Uncle Sam about it. Why does he have to talk to Uncle Sam? It makes me so mad. I almost told him that I didn't want to go see the fireworks but then I'd miss them.

I wonder if he's mad at me for asking about it?

* * *

July 5, 2017 

We went to the fireworks last night. Sharon came with us too. I think we're pretty much best friends now. I like it. I always felt like an extra person when I hung out with June and Becky all the time.

At first I was afraid that Quil wasn't going to come because he was mad at me. But he did. I couldn't say anything about his age though because Sharon was there and I get the feeling that it's something that she's not supposed to know about. I wonder if he's talked to Uncle Sam yet? Maybe I should go talk to Aunt Emily.

* * *

July 7, 2017 

I tried asking Aunt Emily about it today when she got home from work, but she wouldn't talk with me. She said it's between me and Quil. I told her that Quil said that he had to talk to Uncle Sam and she said that didn't matter, that this is between me and Quil.

* * *

July 15, 2017 

I went shopping today and used some of my own money and bought a bra! I'm finally starting to get boobs! It's about time!

* * *

July 21, 2017

I've gotten really good at taking care of Billy and Sandy. Aunt Emily said that I'm a natural. Mom said that she can see that I've matured. That's not what Quil thinks.

I tried to talk to Quil again today. He was really serious. Not like the usual Quil at all. He took my hand and asked me to please trust him and that he would tell me all about everything when the time was right. I want to know what it's not right right now, but he said that I'm not old enough yet and that he'll know when I am.

I got mad at him and started yelling. I told him it wasn't fair to tell me that I was right and then not tell me anything. He just kept saying that it was complicated.

I told him that I'm growing up as fast as I can. He said that he was counting on that.

He wouldn't even say what he meant by that. I'm so mad. I can't even write how mad I am.

* * *

July 26, 2017

Quil came by today. I told him I wasn't old enough to hang out. I think it hurt his feelings.

* * *

Sept 1, 2017

Today was my last day taking care of Billy and Sandy for Aunt Emily. School starts on the 5th and she won't be working anymore anyway. Her job was just for the summer and she only took it because she knew I would take care of the kids. Since they don't need her anymore and I'll be back at school it works out great. She said that if I wanted to and the store would take her back next summer that we could do it again. That would be good. I liked having extra spending money and I love Billy and Sandy. Once we figured out how to get along everything was great.

I haven't asked Quil anything since we had that fight, but I can't help wondering about it all the time.

* * *

Sept 15, 2017

Quil came over again and I told him that I was sorry. He said that he was sorry too. He still won't tell me anything.

* * *

Oct 13, 2017 

It's Friday the 13th! I thought today was supposed to be an unlucky day but the sun was even shining today. Sharon said that we should have a Friday the 13th sleepover so I'm going over to her house in a little while. She said that we can do spooky things like play ouija board and stuff. It should be fun. Maybe we can make popcorn balls and have an indoor snowball fight like I did with Quil that one time.

So far 7th grade has been a lot better than 6th grade was. I like all of my classes except for math. We're doing pre-algebra and it's not too hard. I just don't like it because the teacher makes us write down everything. It takes a long time. I have my own locker this year and don't have to share it with anyone. That's really nice too.

* * *

Oct 29, 2017 

I worked at the fall festival this weekend painting faces for all of the little kids. They really liked it and it was a lot of fun. It was more fun than standing around talking was. I thought it might be boring but guys kept coming over and sitting on the table to watch me paint and talk to me, so I didn't get bored at all. Quil showed up and I painted his face like a mouse because he called me flirty. He thought that was hilarious. It's not my fault boys kept hanging around.

* * *

Nov 16, 2017 

I am officially a teenager! We're having my party tomorrow night. I finally get to have my bonfire on the beach. It's going to be awesome.

* * *

Nov 18, 2017 

My party was so much fun! I asked most of the kids in my class from school, and almost everyone came. Aunt Emily and Uncle Sam were there with the kids for a while but they had to leave early to put the babies to bed. Quil, Embry, and Jacob came too. They were like a bunch of big kids themselves. I swear they ate more hotdogs than they have in the grocery store. I asked Quil if I was old enough yet, and he said he'd have to wait and see. But he did give me a bracelet for my present so he wasn't mad at me for asking.

It was so much fun. I wish we could have a bonfire every weekend.

* * *

Dec 8, 2017 

I know he doesn't want me to, but I can't help thinking about all the weird things about Quil and trying to figure out what it is he won't tell me. All I know is that he works with Uncle Sam, mostly at night. He's really warm, and he looks the same as he did 10 years ago. That's not much for me to go on. I wish he'd just decide that I'm old enough to know. I even dream about it.

* * *

Dec 25, 2017 

Merry Christmas! It seems like Christmas gets better and better every year. Dad said that sooner or later we're going to have to rent out the social hall or something for dinner because it's getting harder and harder to cram all the people who want to come over in to our house. I got mostly clothes this year, and some candy and money so I can buy my own art supplies. Mom says I've gotten too picky over what I'll use. That's OK with me. Quil got me this really cool book about making art out of nature. I'm going to have to try making some of the things in the book. I gave everyone paintings that I had done down at the beach. They all seemed to like them.

We ate pretty much all day long. I'm stuffed. And tired. Billy drug us all out of bed at 5am. Hard to believe that I used to do that.

* * *

Jan 1, 2018 

Happy New Year! I went to my first real New Year's party last night. Becky had it, and we're not really that great of friends anymore but she invited everyone in the class so I went. It was kind of weird. Everyone was just standing around eating and talking, but it was really awkward because nobody seemed to know what to do. All the boys hung around out in the garage and driveway playing basketball and telling gross jokes, and the girls were in the living room dancing and doing makeovers. It was fun, but not what I thought a New Year's party would be like.

They were all talking about having to kiss a boy at midnight and I didn't want to. I never had my first kiss yet and I didn't want to just kiss some boy that I didn't like because I was at a party and it was midnight. There were more girls than boys there anyway so I just hid in the bathroom. I didn't get to see the ball drop. It made me miss Quil.

* * *


	11. Chapter 11

Jan 22, 2018

It snowed! It hardly ever snows here. Sometimes I dream of going someplace where it snows a whole lot and I could learn to ski. Quil said that if I really want to learn then we can go someday. One more thing that I have to wait for.

He still doesn't look any older, and he still won't tell me anything. I've decided to keep asking him at random times and maybe he'll slip. All he does right now is roll his eyes at me and call me Pesky McAsks-a-lot. I don't think he understands how much this drives me crazy. I don't even know why it's driving me crazy. It's like my own personal mystery that I could solve if I just had one more clue.

* * *

Feb 14, 2018 

The secret Valentine strikes again. I don't know why I never thought of it before, but maybe it's Quil. He works at night so he'd be awake when the rest of us are asleep.

I kind of hope it is.

* * *

Feb 16, 2018 

I asked Quil if he was the person who kept giving me Valentines. He just smiled and asked me if I wanted him to be. I didn't want to tell him that so I just laughed at him.

Sometimes I hope that he really is not getting older, and maybe some day I will catch up to him. That sounds really stupid when I write it down, but I'm not going to erase it. But even if it is true then it's going to be another 10 years before I'm even close to the same age as him. That's a really long time.

* * *

March 3, 2018 

Quil took me to see a movie last night. At first I was going to do the usual thing and ask Sharon if she wanted to come to, but then I didn't. It was almost like a real date. He always pays for it and buys the popcorn, but since it was just us it was more like a date. I think he thought something was up though, because he kept looking at me and asking what was up. I probably better bring someone else with us from now on. It could have been really embarrassing. I need to stop thinking like that. He's a grown man. I'm 13.

* * *

April 13, 2018 

It's another Friday the 13th, but this time it really is like a bad luck day. It wasn't only raining, it was pouring all day. I started feeling gross at school, but just stayed there because it seemed like too much trouble to come home. So then in 5th period I started feeling even worse, and had to run to the bathroom and throw up. There's not much worse than throwing up in the girl's bathroom at school. It was so embarrassing and it was really loud too.

Sharon took me to the nurse and they called Mom, but she couldn't come get me because there was some sort of shoplifting thing going on at the store so Quil came and got me. So I stunk like puke and looked like the living dead. I felt like I was going to throw up again on the way home and almost did it in his car. He really got me out of there fast, so I threw up on the side of the road and he just stood there holding my hair and rubbing my back.

It was awful. And now he's out there in the kitchen fixing some chicken and stars and he might come in here so I better put this away before he sees it.

* * *

April 14, 2018 

Quil came by to check on me and bring some crackers. I said I was sorry for throwing up all over yesterday and he said that it was ok because I missed his shoes. He said that I looked better than I did yesterday. I'm sure I looked really cute. being sarcastic of course. He said that I look better than everyone else even on my worst day.

Sometimes he really is a liar.

* * *

May 4, 2018 

This is turning into the Quil diary isn't it? I have to write about it here or I'll talk about it and if I talk about it then people will know that I like to think about him like that and then they'll think that there's something wrong with me. Sharon already looks at me funny because we hang out all the time. But we always have. Why should we stop now? She says I need to take a Quil break and pound some reality back into my head. Thinking about taking a break makes me want to cry. That's probably pretty bad, but I don't care.

School will be out in a few weeks and I'll be able to go take care of Billy and Sandy again. They'll keep me busy. That's all I need to do is keep busy.

* * *

June 2, 2018 

I am so glad that school is out! And this summer Sarah can drive. She doesn't have a car but maybe she'll be able to borrow Mom's car some and we can go to Port Angeles or something. I have to be nice to her all the time now or she says she won't take me anywhere. She can be so mean! But I can't say anything about it or she won't ever take me.

I start taking care of Billy and Sandy again on Monday. Aunt Emily is still working the same part time shifts, only 3 hours at a time. Maybe I should start saving now so I can get a car when I'm 16.

I'm doing my best to not think of Quil like I was. I don't want to feel awkward with him, but I think he feels a little strange around me now too. Like last night when Mom and Dad were playing cards in the kitchen and we were in the living room playing wrestlemania like always and I pinned him - he let me. If I ever pin him it's only because he lets me or he's laughing too hard to not let me. So I was sitting on him poking him and calling him a sissy man and he got this weird look on his face and picked me up and put me on the couch like I didn't weigh anything. I felt bad like I did something wrong but he said that I didn't. He said that he just thinks I'm getting too old to play that game now.

Sometimes I want to grow up so bad, and sometimes I wish I could go back to being really little when everything was fun all the time and I was never too big for anything.

* * *

June 15, 2018 

I haven't seen Quil in forever. I don't want to call his house in case he's sleeping. Uncle Sam said that he's been working a lot, pulling shifts for other guys. I keep thinking about the last time he was over and I feel bad about it. I wish he'd come back over.

* * *

June 29, 2018 

Quil finally came by again. I told him that I missed him and he said that he really missed me too but he's been working a lot. I asked him if we could go to the fireworks like always and he said that he wouldn't miss it for the world. So I guess it's all right then. I'm glad that he wants to go to the fireworks. I think I'll ask Sarah if she wants to come. She broke up with her boyfriend and doesn't want to do anything, but maybe she'll come if she can drive. It's been pretty rotten around here with her being sad and me missing Quil. We need to have some fun.

* * *

July 5th, 2018 

Sarah didn't want to come to the fireworks, but I told Quil why she was so upset and he pretty much dragged her out of the house. She was really mad at first but he had her laughing by the time we got there. Sharon came too and Quil said that he was Mr. Hot Stuff with 3 girls with him for the evening, but that made Sharon ask me later if he ever did date anyone.

I haven't asked him in a long time, but he's not over here every night so maybe he does have a girlfriend and he just never brings her around? I wonder if he does, and what she'd be like. She'd probably be really pretty. He's really handsome.

* * *

July 21, 2018 

We had our Friday night movie night last night. Sharon came to so I asked Quil about his girlfriend when we were on the way to pick her up. He just laughed and said that he doesn't have time to date. I told him that doesn't make any sense because he has time to take me places and do things with me. He said that was different but he wouldn't say why. It doesn't make any sense. Now Sharon thinks he's gay. I don't know if I want to ask him that.

* * *

Aug 2, 2018 

This summer is going by really fast. I take care of Billy and Sandy four days a week. They're old enough now that it's more playing with them than anything, and sometimes all I do is give them lunch and put them down for naps and Aunt Emily is home before they wake up. It's the easiest summer job ever. I was spending a lot of time down at First Beach. A bunch of kids from school hang out there. It was fun at first but I didn't really feel like I fit in with them too well, so I still go down there but I've been trying to draw the driftwood trees instead. I can't get it to work though. They never come out right.

Quil is supposed to come over tomorrow for a movie night. Sharon wants me to ask him if he's gay. I told her to go ahead, I'm not asking.

* * *

Aug 4, 2018 

I can't believe she really asked him if he was gay. I thought he was going to fall off the couch he was laughing so hard. He finally stopped long enough to say that he's not. I think it made Sharon mad that he laughed so hard. That's just what he does. I wonder if he'd tell her if she asked him why he doesn't look any older? I'm not going to ask her to do that. If he told her and he didn't tell me after all this time, I think I'd have to smack him. It would probably hurt me more than it hurt him though. I've fake punched him before and it hurt my hand and he didn't even notice.

* * *

Aug 16, 2018 

It's time to go school shopping again. I can't believe it. I'm going to be in the 8th grade. Next year is high school! I'm one of the youngest in my class, but it doesn't feel like it. Nobody cares about the kinds of things I care about anymore. Sharon is the only friend that I can really talk to, besides Quil and Aunt Emily. And there's a lot that I can't talk to anyone about. It almost feels like I spent the whole summer taking care of the kids, drawing on the beach, or reading a book somewhere. I stayed at Aunt Emily's a lot even when she got home from work, just talking. I feel like she understands me better than anyone else does. She and Quil. Sharon doesn't even really understand me, but she's my age. It doesn't really make much sense but that's how it is.

* * *

Sept 5, 2018 

There's a beginning of school 8th grade dance this year. Three guys have asked me to go and I don't want to go with any of them. I told Quil that I wouldn't have a boyfriend until high school but that's not why I don't want to go with any of them. I don't want to go because none of them are Quil. But it's not like I could bring him to the 8th grade dance. He was probably in the 8th grade 15 years ago. Sharon says to just pick a guy and go anyway. There's something that doesn't seem right about that but I probably will. I don't know what to do, but I don't want to be the only one who doesn't go.

* * *

Sept 8, 2018 

So I went to the dance with Justin. It was sooo awkward. I don't even know why we needed to go as couples. As soon as we got there he went and stood over on the other side of the gym with all the boys, and I went over and was with all the girls. Hardly anybody danced. And then when we left he tried to hold my hand, which was awful because he hadn't even said anything to me all night long. It was a waste of a perfectly good Friday night.

Quil said that I should have gotten some of the girls to go out in the middle and start dancing, and that would make the boys come over and dance too. Maybe I'll try that next time if I ever go again.

* * *

Sept 22, 2018 

We had a movie night again last night. Even with Sarah there I had a better time than I had at that dance. Maybe I'm just not a dance kind of girl.

Yes I know what the real reason is, but maybe if I quit thinking about it I can pretend it's not there.

* * *

Oct 11, 2018 

They asked me to work at the fall festival painting faces again. I had a lot of fun doing it last year so I said that I'd do it again this year. I'm making a lot of the props too in art class. Sharon said that we should see if we can build a haunted house at the high school next year. That would be a lot of fun.

* * *

Nov 16, 2018 

Happy birthday to me! I'm 14 today. I'm not having a party even though it's a Friday night. Sharon is going to come over and we're just going to hang out here. I didn't want a party this year. Sarah wanted to know if I had a fever when I said that. No, I just don't feel like having a party. Last year was a lot of fun, but I don't know.

It feels like it's taking forever for me to get older, and every time I ask Quil he says I'm not ready to know what I'm asking for. Well why do I keep asking you if I'm not ready? I think I know better than you do! It's been over a year since we had that big fight about it. I don't want to have another fight but I don't know what to do. He has to tell me. I've tried to be good for so long and only ask him once in a while, but he always comes up with some stupid new nickname and won't tell me anything. I'm mature for my age. I don't even look 14. Everyone says so. I feel older than 14 and I act older than 14.

He said that he's going to come over tomorrow and take me out for the day for my birthday. I'm going to ask him then.

* * *

Nov 18, 2018 

I spent most of the day yesterday with Quil. I was afraid to say anything to him and ruin everything but he knew that something was wrong. So after lunch he asked me what was wrong and I just started crying again and I couldn't stop. I told him that he was driving me crazy. He got all worried and didn't know what to do with me, and I wasn't helping because I couldn't stop crying. We ended up going to Aunt Emily's house.

She hugged me and then sent me into the living room while she said something to Quil but I couldn't understand her because she was talking too low. He kept yelling back "but she's only 14!" and she would yell back that he was barely 16 and I was more mature than he was at that age. I didn't really understand what they were yelling about but Aunt Emily was on my side of whatever it was. I went back into the kitchen and told them that if they were going to fight over my life then I should be allowed to be there. Aunt Emily just looked at Quil and said "see?" and he stomped out.

I started crying again and Aunt Emily hugged me muttering something about oversized children. It sounded like she was talking about Quil and that made me laugh. She told me that he would be back soon, so she made some tea and we just sat there not saying anything for a while. I asked Aunt Emily if she knew Quil's secret and she said that yes she did, but she couldn't tell me. She said that it wasn't her place. But she is really mad at Quil about it.

So then Quil came back and we just looked at him, and then he said something about not being a pedophile and Aunt Emily said that conventional rules don't apply in this situation. What situation? I know that Quil doesn't love me like that, but that's what pedophile means. What if he does? What am I supposed to do about that? I begged him to tell me after we left Aunt Emily's house. He said that he needed a little more time. Why? Why does he need more time? Is a week or two going to change anything?


	12. Interlude: A glimpse of Quil

_I've gotten so many requests to hear Quil's side of things, that I thought I'd do this little interlude. I couldn't get him out of my head last night when I was pretending to sleep. He's shouting almost as much as Claire is. So here's a short snippet from the mind of Quil.  
_

* * *

**Quil's POV**

She is my light and my joy. Everything that ties me to the world is wrapped up in her. Her laughter is a balm that can soothe any pain; her tears can shred my soul. My only purpose is to be what she needs, however she needs me.

That is how I've always felt, from the moment I saw her. The pack understood. How could they not when we share the same mind so much of the time? They could see for themselves that this was no romantic love. Jacob said that it's like gravity. I guess that's as close as any explanation could get.

For the longest time my love for her was pure and untainted by desire. Her dimpled smile was enough of a reward for any action, and I wanted nothing more from her than to be allowed to be around her and cherish her.

Now though... Now it's different. Of course I noticed her growing and changing. Subconsciously I was constantly adjusting myself to fit her needs - to care for her, be her brother, her friend, her confidant. I know that deep inside I hoped that one day, when she was fully grown, that she might choose to accept me as her partner, as her lover. In the future, not now. Now she is innocent. I try to pretend and fool myself into thinking that nothing has changed, and she still sees me as the goofy guy who will do nearly anything to make her laugh. But it's not working.

I know just when it changed for me - when I couldn't ignore it anymore. We were in the living room, rolling around on the floor because I'd made some teasing comment. I remember feeling mildly surprised at the look that crossed her face before she broke into a wicked grin and launched herself at me, promising revenge. I put up a good fake fight, but eventually let her win. It was no fun if I won all the time. And as she straddled me, poking me and calling me a sissy, it hit me and all the air was sucked out of the room.

I wanted her. Desperately. I wanted to keep her there, right where she was, her body on mine. So I did the only thing I could do: I put her off me and left as soon as I reasonably could after that, and I ran. I phased and I ran, my paws pounding the ground as I tried to pound the longing out of my heart.

The pack knew immediately, of course. As soon as my mind joined theirs they knew it all. We have no secrets, no matter how much we might want to. They saw my shame, but they didn't judge me. They couldn't, not when they saw the compulsion that drove me. It's inescapable, not that I would want to change it if I could. She has been a part of me for far too long for me to even consider changing it now.

I stayed away, knowing it was hurting her for me to be gone, but I couldn't face her. I had to gain control of my emotions so I could be around her and touch her without losing myself and doing or saying something I would regret. She is still a child, even if her body looks more womanly every day. I could not risk hurting her like that.

And now... now she's crying and telling me that I'm driving her crazy. And Emily is telling me that she's falling in love with me. But she's too young! She's only just turned 14. As much as I want her I can't expose her to the scorn that society would heap upon us if I let myself love her now. I want that more than anything, but I have no choice but to wait.

It's a special kind of torture, being around someone like that. Limiting your touches to friendly gestures while the fantasies run wild in your head. It's a torture I will gladly undergo for her sake.

I will tell her what I am. I used to fear that telling her would send her running for the hills. I've put it off for nearly two years now, stealing what time I can with her. Emily assures me that knowing will bring her relief. I hope she's right, because I can't avoid it any longer.


	13. Chapter 13

_I'm glad you enjoyed the peek into Quil. He's a lovable fellow.  
_

* * *

Nov. 19, 2018 

Oh God. I made a total fool out of myself last night. All over Aunt Emily's kitchen too. She even called this morning before school to make sure I was OK. Two more days of school and then we're off for Thanksgiving. I can hold myself together for that long can't I? I don't really have much choice. Mom was talking to Aunt Emily so I know that she knows all that went on. She's walking on eggshells around me. Dad's oblivious as usual, but that's nothing out of the norm. Even Sarah knows something is up and she usually goes out of her way to ignore me completely. And all of that is just making it worse.

I sat out on the porch tonight until it was too dark to see. Just waiting. He didn't come.

Last night when he left he hugged me tight, like he really meant it. Maybe it was to keep me from begging more. It probably was. I was shameless. I told him that if he loved me at all he would tell me. He just kept asking for a little more time, but I don't know if I can handle much more. I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.

I can't stop thinking about Aunt Emily saying that conventional rules don't apply. It makes me feel like there's some hope that Quil might love me. And that feels like a dangerous thing to wish for, because if I think about it too hard then I'll believe it. And when I believe it and it doesn't come true... well I don't know how I'll make it through.

Call the men in the white coats now. Claire is losing her nut.

* * *

Nov. 20, 2018 

Mom knows everything. As in Mom knows what I don't know. I don't know why I didn't put 2 and 2 together before this. I'm so dense. How could she not know? What kind of Mom lets a grown man - a grown man who doesn't look like he's getting any older no less - be with her daughter UNSUPERVISED all the time?

Not the same Mom who makes me call if I'm going to be a minute late, that's for sure.

She knows, just like Aunt Emily, just like Uncle Sam, just like pretty much the whole freaking world except for me.

School today was a joke. Sharon spent the whole lunch just staring at me like she was waiting for me to start licking the windows or something. I couldn't talk. I'm not even going tomorrow. I told Mom that I wasn't going when she wouldn't talk to me, and she said that it was fine. She'll call them and say that I have a fever. Fine. Placate me. Just don't tell me anything because that would surely screw me up wouldn't it?

Don't they know the whole reason I'm like this is that no one is telling me anything?

And where is Quil? I'm going over to Aunt Emily's. I can't take being here anymore.

* * *

Nov 21, 2018 

Aunt Emily wasn't surprised to see me last night. Apparently Quil was over there all day yesterday. But did he come over here? No he didn't.

I don't know what to do with myself. It's only 8am and I have to get through all day. At least everyone is gone today. I'm going to go shower.

--

Ok it's 9am. I showered. I ate. How am I supposed to get through Thanksgiving tomorrow? Maybe I can make this "fever" last. Maybe I can go stand out in the rain and get a real one.

--

10:30. The kitchen is spotless. I don't know what to do with

crap. Quil's here.

* * *

Nov 22, 2018 

I made it through Thanksgiving without faking a fever, licking the windows, or rubbing food in my hair. That has to be an accomplishment. Quil promised answers tomorrow. Tomorrow night. He said that he's taking me to a bonfire. Aunt Emily and Uncle Sam are going to be there. Supposedly I need to be there so I can understand what I need to know.

He was right by me all day today, like he was some sort of oversized shadow. I don't know what to think anymore. One day he can't leave fast enough, then he doesn't show up or call or anything for days, and then he's stuck to me like glue.

All he said is that he had to go think things through. Thanks for the warning.

I told him that next time he plans on disappearing for a while he should tell me first. He said that wouldn't be happening. I thought he meant that he wouldn't be disappearing, but now I'm wondering if he meant that he wouldn't be telling me.

* * *

Nov 24, 2018 

I just got home, so it's only been the 24th for a couple of hours, but I have to write this down now or I'll forget parts.

I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll take it step by step.

Quil came by and picked me up as it was starting to get dark. He was almost giddy, a lot like the old Quil was before I freaked out on him for my birthday. Ya 14 has been a great year so far. What can I say?

He was really happy, but kind of serious. I didn't know what to make of him and he just said that once he decided to just let go and let me know everything that it made him feel free again. I was a little put off by that, here he was feeling all free and happy and I was still mad and in the dark and about ready to just jump out of the car. But then he started apologizing for being such a jerk. He said that he'd been treating me like crap - his words there not mine so at least he knows it.

I told him to just tell me already but he wouldn't. He said that there was a way that it needed to be done and he was going to do it properly since he'd messed it up so badly already.

By that time we were at the cliffs over first beach. There was a fire going already, and a bunch of people around. I'd seen most of them coming and going from Aunt Emily's even if I didn't know their names. Aunt Emily came up and hugged me as soon as we got there. Jacob was there, and he brought his father Billy Black. That's who Aunt Emily and Uncle Sam named their little boy after.

At first it was just like any old party, everyone eating and talking. Lots of laughing and teasing. They all seemed to know who I was even though I was the youngest person there. It was kind of weird but after a while it just felt comfortable. Like this was some huge family that I was joining.

Funny thing there... it kind of is.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. So after a while everyone kind of quieted down and Billy Black started telling some of the old Quileute legends. I'd heard them before, but not with nearly the amount of detail that he told them. Especially the one about the spirit warriors. He told about the wolves and the cold ones, stories that always made me feel a little bit scared and a little bit safe at the same time. And he told another one that I had never heard before, about the wolves and cold ones who were called Cullens working together to defeat other cold ones. Everyone was nodding during that one and giving each other high fives. Like they had been there.

After he was done telling the stories, Uncle Sam thanked him and Jacob took him home. I was staring into the fire for a while so I didn't notice that some other people were leaving until I looked up and there was hardly anyone left. Really just Uncle Sam and Aunt Emily. And then Uncle Sam just looked at Quil for a minute, and they left too.

So it was just us. And really I didn't know what to think. Because he brought me to a bonfire and I heard some stories and it was really entertaining but it wasn't what I thought we were going to do.

So I turned a little so I could face him. He was sitting there looking at the fire and chewing on his lip. It made my heart hurt to look at him, and I couldn't get any words to come out anyway so I just sat there. And then he started talking.

He said that the stories weren't legends. That they were true stories, and that every man except for Billy, and one woman who was Leah Clearwater - all of them had been there for the last story. They were the warriors - the wolves who fought with the Cullens against the cold ones. That the wolves are real, and the cold ones are real, and there really are Cullens who aren't so much friends with the wolves but they have a treaty and will not harm us.

And what he was saying was that he is a wolf. All of them are. And only people who are involved with the pack are supposed to know. And that is why he isn't aging, and why he is so warm, and why his appetite is so big. And what he was saying was completely insane. so incredibly crazy. and I believed him anyway. It made so much sense! And it was such a huge relief to know that I wasn't imagining things, and that there was a reason behind everything - even if that reason was completely insane. I just started laughing. And he started laughing.

I can see why he wouldn't just tell me without the bonfire. I would have thought that he was making up some sort of answer again, like he always has before. He said that he hadn't wanted to tell me because he was afraid that I would be afraid of him.

As if I could ever be afraid of Quil.

The fire was getting really low by then, almost out, and he was starting to get up but I grabbed his arm and asked him why I got to know. Why did he hang out with me all the time. Why had he been pretty much in my life since I was a baby? And he sat back down and put his head in his hands and told me that he should have known better than to hope that I wouldn't ask him that question.

I thought he wasn't going to tell me, but he said that not telling me about him being a wolf for so long had been a mistake that he wasn't going to repeat.

So then he told me about imprinting. He said that the first time he saw me I was two years old, and he knew immediately that he was supposed to guard and protect me for all of my life. That is why he was my babysitter when I was little, and why he always comes around now. He said that's why he never dates or has a girlfriend - because he doesn't even think of anyone else because of me.

My heart was beating so hard that I don't know how I got it out, but I asked him if that meant that he loves me.

He said that he always had and he always would. That when I was a baby he had loved me like he was my father, and then he loved me like he was my brother, and then he loved me like I was his best friend.

It was pretty dark by then, so I felt kind of brave and I asked him if he would love me like I was his girlfriend. He said that when I was older, he would love me as his wife if I would have him.

I was brave, but I wasn't brave enough to tell him that I already love him like that. But my wildest hope is real. He's not getting older, and I'm going to catch up to him, and some day I'm going to marry Quil Atera.


	14. Chapter 14

Dec 1, 2018

I'm heaving a great big deep sigh right now, can you hear me? This week has been perfect. Everything is the way it should be again. Like it hasn't been in forever. Who knew that I just needed to have a mental breakdown to get somewhere? Not that I would recommend that. Not at all.

Sharon was convinced that I was going manic depressive on her. I finally convinced her that we had some big family issues going on and we had this huge family fight over Thanksgiving and everything all got sorted out for the best. It's believable and is as close as anything to explain stuff to her.

I'm just so glad. sooo soo glad, that I know and that there aren't any more secrets. from me anyway. I can't tell anyone else, but I have Aunt Emily if I need to talk to anyone about the wolfy side of things so it's working out.

Quil has been here every day, just being here again. And it's the normal kind of being here. He helps me with my homework and we throw popcorn at the TV and he listens to me plot revenge on my teachers for all the stupid projects they keep assigning. It's like this huge weight has been lifted from me and I can finally be happy again. I can finally be myself. I'm not afraid that he's going anywhere or that he's going to disappear on me again. It's like I can finally breathe again. I didn't even know that I couldn't before, but now I keep taking deep breaths. Like the air wasn't good before and now it finally is and it's sweet and fresh.

It's good. I could stay like this.

* * *

Dec 5, 2018 

Life is still good. I can't get over it - how good it is. The only bad thing is the endless homework. They've decided to do all of our end of term tests before Christmas instead of after the break. It does make sense, so we don't have all break with them hanging over our heads, but still. The teachers keep saying how it's good practice for next year in high school. Whatever you say. So I have English comp., Earth Sciences, History, Art, Algebra, Gym, and Spanish tests. I can't believe they're doing a Gym test. These people are crazy. All the tests fall between the 18th and the 21st. So if you don't see me for a while, you'll know why.

Other than school, it's all good. I finally asked Quil when he was going to let me see him as a wolf. He just looked at me for a minute, and then he reached over and grabbed my wolf necklace and said "What do you think this is?"

Can you believe it? All that time ago when he gave me that because he couldn't give me a puppy - he was telling me a little bit. That made me start laughing. He just kept looking at me like I was crazy, which made me laugh even harder. I almost fell off my chair cause he just leaned his chin on his hand and watched me like I was the TV. I could tell he was trying not to laugh which made it even funnier. He was threatening to throw a bucket of water on me. Anyway... what I was laughing at and I finally quit laughing enough to tell him was that all this time I've had a great big puppy and didn't even know it.

I don't think I've ever heard him laugh so hard.

But he wouldn't show me himself as a wolf yet. He said that he couldn't do it in broad daylight here but that he wouldn't make me wait a really long time before he showed me. I hope not. I really want to see what he looks like.

* * *

Dec 14, 2018 

We're getting ready to go on a movie night. Thank God. Quil is relentless, following me all over the house with those stupid Spanish flash cards. I shouldn't complain. I'm probably going to ace all the tests as much as he's making me study. Sarah picked the movie - a mindless comedy. Just what I need. Maybe I can talk them in to milkshakes after it even though it's cold out.

* * *

Dec 17, 2018 

Wish me luck. Exams start tomorrow.

* * *

Dec 22, 2018 

THANK GOD THAT'S OVER. The tests weren't really hard, especially after all the studying, but still they were stressful just because it was a bunch of tests all lined up looking at me. I am not looking forward to that part of high school. But I feel really good about them. Now that they're done anyway.

Quil took me and Sharon out for pizza and a movie - even though we just had a movie night last week - to celebrate being done with them. He said it was a treat for him as much as it was for us because now he didn't have to help us study and listen to us whine about it anymore. har har so funny.

Sharon asked if I was going to the New Years party that some kids from school were throwing, but I told her that I didn't know if I was going to go. I mean, I had an ok time last year at Becky's party, but it wasn't what I had thought of. Anyway, she doesn't know if she's going to go either because her family is supposed to go to California to visit her grandma for Christmas and her Mom is talking about staying through past New Years because some other family is coming and they haven't seen them in a long time. I'm definitely not going to the party if Sharon isn't going. I want to ask Quil what he's doing. I want to have our own party here like we used to do.

It's a full moon tonight. I asked Quil about that. He said it doesn't matter what the moon is doing. That part is a myth.

* * *

Dec 25, 2018 

Merry Christmas! Dad's threats about renting out the social hall are starting to sound good. We were packed in here like sardines. It doesn't help that both Quil and Uncle Sam are really big either. I think they take up half the kitchen by themselves. Quil said that the pack gets together for Christmas too, and I get to go tonight. I asked him if they had a New Years party too and he said that sometimes they do but no one was doing one this year. So I asked him if he wanted to come here and make our own party like we used to do and he just looked at me for a minute and then said that he'd love to.

He does that a lot lately. I'll say something or ask him something and he'll just stop what he's doing and look at me for a minute, and it always makes my stomach flip. I want to ask him what he's thinking when he does that, but I'm afraid of what he'd say. Anyway, I need to go get ready for the Christmas Party. I'm supposed to go to Aunt Emily's and we'll leave from there.

* * *

Dec 26, 2018 

The party was so much fun. It was in the social hall, ha ha. I don't think there's another building around here besides the gym at the school that would hold all those men. There was tons of good food, and music and just general good feeling. Everyone knows each other so well. Quil said it's a hazard of the occupation. They all share thoughts when they're wolves, so they know each other better than they normally would. I can't imagine doing that. It must be cool and a pain in the butt at the same time. That must be why they all act like they know me so well. If they know all the things that Quil knows then they do.

We got home really late, so I asked Quil if he would change for me so I could see him. He said that he couldn't change in front of me, because he'd rip all his clothes. I thought he was thinking that I'd be afraid of him again, so I promised him that he wouldn't scare me. I just wanted to see what he looked like. So he went into the woods and was gone for a few minutes and then came back out as a wolf.

I could barely believe my eyes. First he was HUGE. Like as big as a bear huge. He's the same color of brown as the carving on my necklace - almost like melted chocolate. He just came out and lay down on the ground and was really still, looking at me like he was afraid that I'd run away. So I went to where he was laying and I when I looked in his eyes I could tell that it was Quil. It was so weird to see him like that, but it wasn't weird at the same time, like I was finally seeing a part of him that had always been there. I touched his fur on his head, and it was really soft. I wanted to pet him, but I didn't know if that would be ok, but then I couldn't help myself and had to do it anyway. I just wanted to hug his whole head but I don't know if my arms would have been long enough. Then he ran back into the woods and came out as Quil again. I told him he should go change back and lay on the floor in my room and I'd just sleep on him his fur was so soft. He thought that was really funny. I told him that he had to do that again and stay for longer and he just smiled and gave me a hug.

* * *

Dec 31, 2018 

Well it's New Year's Eve. Quil is supposed to come over later. Sarah is going to a party. Mom and Dad haven't decided if they're going to one or not. Mom has a sick headache so they might stay home. I should go get ready. I want to tack the Christmas lights around the living room like we did before.

I want to ask Quil if he'll kiss me at midnight, but I'm afraid to. It would be my first kiss. It should be Quil.

* * *

Jan 1. 2019 

Happy New Year. Happy Happy Happy New Year.

I didn't have to ask him to. It just kind of happened.

OK here's what happened. Mom's head still hurt really bad, so she and Dad didn't want to go to their party. She tried to make Dad go anyway, but he didn't want to go without her. So she went to bed early, even before Quil got here. Dad was kind of mopey, but he cheered up when I turned on the New Years show and made him dance with me. And I thought Quil was a weird dancer. Quil was picking on me for being the only girl for them to dance with so I never got a break.

Then Dad pooped out at about 10:30. He said he was too tired but I think he just missed Mom. So then it was just me and Quil. I was too tired to keep dancing, so we got out some cards and he tried to teach me how to play poker only we used m&ms instead of poker chips. I am not good at poker. I never had any good cards, but Quil said it wasn't about what cards you had it was about how well you bluff. I lost all my m&ms right away and told him it would be a long time before I'd be playing strip poker. He just laughed at me for that.

So then it was getting pretty close to midnight, so we just sat on the couch and watched TV waiting for the ball to drop. I started thinking about kissing him at midnight again - well really it had been on my mind all night but I was trying to not think about it. I was afraid that he would just give me a peck on the cheek or something. He was really quiet too, which didn't help me feel any better. I don't know if I've ever felt so nervous around him.

And then they started the count down and neither one of us jumped up to yell it too like we used to do. At first I thought he didn't do it because Mom and Dad were sleeping, but when I looked over at him he was just looking at me again in that way that makes my stomach flip upside down. I couldn't look away from him. It was like I was caught in his eyes. They started cheering on TV because they hit midnight but I barely noticed. He put his hand on my cheek, and leaned over really slowly, and kissed me. It was perfect. His lips were so warm and soft. I didn't want him to ever stop, but he did after only a few seconds and said "Happy New Year Claire." I couldn't say anything. My heart was beating too fast. He just smiled and started cleaning up the mess we'd made with the popcorn and m&ms. I just sat there, and he asked if I was ok, and I told him that that was my first kiss. He just smiled and said that he was glad.

I hoped he might do it again when he left, but he just hugged me and said that he'd see me tomorrow.

I hope he does it again soon.

* * *

Jan 6, 2019 

School starts again tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to that. I've been mostly hanging out around here reading or working on a painting. Quil comes over in the late afternoon and we just goof around doing whatever. He hasn't kissed me again. We never really talked about it except for what we said right after it. I guess it was a special occasion kind of thing. I wish it wasn't, but I am still just 14. I guess he can't just go around doing that, even if I want him to.

* * *

Jan 12, 2019 

School is just as painful as ever. At least we're done by 3 every day. Except for the homework. Quil is coming in a little bit to take me and Sharon to the ice skating rink in Port Angeles. I hope I don't bruise myself too badly.

* * *

Jan 14, 2019 

Oh my legs! I thought I did great with the ice skating until I had to go down the stairs at school today. Going up was no problem. Going down - holy cow it hurt! Sharon and I were gimping along like two old ladies. I didn't think I was that out of shape but I guess I am. I need to take up a sport or something. Quil is so fit from running all over the place. He laughed really hard at us when he came over and we smelled like Ben Gay. He is so not fair. Sharon asked him why he isn't limping all over like an old man, and he said that he moves too much to let it get him down. I told him he needed to start training us for track or something. He seemed to think that was a really good idea. I'm not so sure Sharon did though.

* * *

Jan 16, 2019 

Quil wants to know if we really want to start training for track. Sharon does not want to at all. She said that sports is not her thing. I think I might. I know I'll never be able to keep up with him if he really starts running, but it would be fun to be able to run with him if he keeps it normal. And it would be an excuse to have some time alone with him.

I tried jogging around the house a little bit today when no one else was here though. I need to get to the store if I'm going to let him train me, but I can't get him to take me. I'm not buying a sports bra with Quil around. Maybe Sarah will take me.

* * *

Jan 19, 2019 

Today was my first training day. It's not bad at all. Quil marked out a route and we just walked it today. He said that we're going to go really slowly so I don't hurt myself. I'm glad he knows what he's doing. If I tried it I'd just take off running and spend the next 3 days on the couch.

I asked Quil when we were having another movie night. It feels like it's been forever since we had one since it was Christmas and then New Years. It was already too late to go tonight, so we'll have to wait until next weekend for that.

It's so weird just living along like normal again. I worried and worried over Quil for so long, I'm still getting used to just being around him without trying to figure him out, and it's been 2 months. And I'm trying to beat down how I feel about him because I know I'm too young and he probably just sees me as a kid still. I wonder how that is for him? He said that he'll love me as a wife some day if I'll have him, and he did kiss me on New Years and it didn't feel like just a friend kiss. But I really don't have anything to compare that to either. So maybe it's not that I'm done being crazy over something that Quil is doing. I guess I'm just changing what I'm feeling crazy over. I really wish I knew how he feels, but I don't know if I can ever ask him that. I want him to feel what I'm feeling so much, I think I'd cry if he gave me a different answer.

* * *

Jan 25, 2019 

Movie night! Sharon backed out and Sarah has a date with someone so it's just Quil and me. Oh great, now I'm nervous.

* * *

Jan 26, 2019 

We never made it to the movie last night. We ended up staying in the pizza place and talking for hours. Maybe because it was neutral territory? Maybe because we were alone but we weren't alone because there were all the other people in the restaurant too? or maybe it was because it was starting to feel like a date and it CAN'T be a date right now. That's basically what we talked about. I didn't come right out and say anything, but I knew it felt like that and I guess he did too.

At least now I know that he feels some of the things that I feel right now. I don't know how much he feels it - if he feels it as much as I do - but he feels something or he wouldn't have brought it up. Or maybe he brought it up because he could tell that I felt that way and he wanted to make sure I understood? I hope it's because he feels like I do.

Anyway, he said that right now we have to stay friends. Really good, really close, best best friends - but we can't be more than that. I'm too young. He wouldn't say how much older than me he really is, just that he's still about 25 or 26 in his body, and that wouldn't work with someone who is 14. He'll always be a lot older than I am, but physically we need to be closer to the same age before he can let himself go on like that. No matter how much either of us wants to. It wouldn't be right.

It doesn't look like much when it's written out like that, but it took us hours to get that said. And he did say - no matter how much either of us wants it - which makes me feel like he wants this too.

* * *

Feb 1, 2019 

It's been one of those weeks in school where everything goes wrong. First, it rained all week. That's not surprising, but it just added to the misery. I did the wrong homework and forgot about a quiz in Spanish. In Gym we were playing kickball and I went to kick the ball and rolled my foot over the top of it and fell flat on my back. And I've had one of those annoying colds that isn't bad enough to stay home but is just bad enough to make you feel like crap the whole day. So I already had that going on - which leads to how today I was finishing a big water color in Art class that I had worked on for WEEKS, and it was one of my best ones - I finally got the driftwood trees to look right. I was just finishing it up and I suddenly got hit with one of those huge uncontrollable sneezes and I not only knocked a cup of water flying where it got on the painting and started making the colors run, I sneezed a huge wad of snot right in the middle. And then I started to cry.

Yes yes. I had a meltdown right in the middle of 4th period Art class. An ugly meltdown with lots of snot and coughing and all of that. So they wanted to me to call Mom and have her take me home, but I knew that she wouldn't be able to leave work to get me, which would mean that Quil would come get me, and I looked worse than night of the living dead - I was WAY beyond zombie - and I did not want him to come get me. So I stuck it out, and now I'm home and I'm going to go hide under the blankets in my bed. Quil will probably come over but I don't think he's going to get me out of here.

* * *

Feb 5, 2019 

I finally went back to school today. It ended up being a real cold after all, and I got my period, so I don't feel quite so awful about freaking out in Art class last week. Quil came over and tried to drag me out of bed on Friday and he was the one who found out that I was running a fever. He hung around all weekend just bringing me more kleenex and making me eat soup and jello and not letting me get up for anything. I spent a lot of time leaning on him on the couch reading a book. I asked him why he wasn't worried about getting sick, and he said that his temperature is so high when he's normal that he hardly ever gets sick. That makes sense I guess.

So now I'm better after having nurse Quil fuss over me all weekend. It was actually pretty sweet. I don't know how he expects me to not be in love with him when he keeps doing things like that for me all of the time. I think I'm going to make him a Valentine. I won't get him anything and I'll address it to my very close best best friend so he can't be mad at me.


	15. Chapter 15

_My friends, all the reviews are fantastic. Thanks so much. It's been so nice to write this happy little story. I have houseguests so it's much easier to work on this one since it doesn't need the flow that waiting for dawn needs. So much so that I'm updating twice in one night. Well, technically it's the next day here, but let's not burst the insomniac's bubble, right?_

_Don't worry about me ending this any time soon. You'll know it's the end because it will say epilogue. So quit fretting._

_Also, I was floored with the response to Quil's interlude. There won't be any more of that here because it disrupts the flow in my head too much, but no worries. Quil will get a companion story to this one so you can see things from his side. It will be more of a series of one shots, but I have to get Claire older first so he has a little more to say._

_Once again, thank you so much for the love and many many squee's coming my way. I am at your service._

_Alice laughed_

* * *

Feb 14, 2019

I woke up this morning to more chocolates on the porch. I have to run this afternoon with Quil. We're up to intervals of running for 5 minutes and walking for 3 now. I need to give him my valentine and ask him. I need to just suck it up and be brave enough to ask him, and if he does what he did last year and asks me if I want it to be him, I need to tell him yes.

* * *

Feb 15, 2019 

OK. We were going to have a movie night, but then Sarah's boyfriend decided to do their valentine's date tonight instead of yesterday since it's Friday. So Quil is just going to come over here and we'll watch a dvd here instead. That's the plan. But I need to write about yesterday before he gets here.

He came over after school so we could go for our run, and I gave him his valentine. It was really a painting that I did really quickly, of a brown wolf on the cliff at first beach. He really liked it. I didn't think it was that good but he loved it. And that made me brave enough to ask him if he was the one who left me chocolate on my porch every year. I thought he'd do the same thing that he did last year, but he just looked at me that way again and said yes he was. Instead of flipping over my stomach was just doing cartwheels. I really wanted him to kiss me again, just once, but he looked back down at his picture again, and then said if we were going to go running we'd better get started.

We went for our run, and it started raining (of course) halfway through it. The route we run is a big circle, so by that point we were as far from my house as we get for our run. Of course. So we kept on going, and then it really started coming down hard. And it was FREEZING. I'd been dressed for the weather when we left the house, but the temperature must have dropped at least 10 degrees when it started raining, so the sweatshirt and jacket I had on wasn't doing much good. I was chattering and trying to keep going but it just felt hopeless. Add that to the fact that I'm still not up to the point where I can go for much longer than 10 minutes straight running when I'm feeling good. I was just plodding along thinking that this was one sorry valentine's day, when all of a sudden Quil stopped and grabbed me and pretty much threw me on his back like a piggy back ride.

It was really surprising. I hadn't thought of him carrying me, and he was so WARM. I stuck my face on his neck without even thinking about it and I heard him say "oh good Lord" and I felt bad for sticking my freezing nose on him but it was soo soo warm. He was running really fast, like he didn't have me dragging him down on his back, and we made it back to my house in a couple of minutes. He didn't even stop on the porch for me to get down. He ran right into the house and stopped at the bathroom. I was really shaky getting down, and he just told me to get in the shower and warm up and he'd be back in a minute.

I made hot chocolate for when he came back, and he just laughed saying that he wasn't the one who was cold, but he drank it anyway. I told him I was sorry for wimping out on him and he just smiled at me at told me that it was his pleasure. And it was really nice, there in the kitchen having hot chocolate with the rain coming down really hard outside and it was valentine's day.

I don't know what made me say it, but I said that it was a special occasion. He was like, "what do you mean by that?" I can't believe I had the nerve, the cold rain must have short circuited my brain, but I told him that last time there'd been a special occasion I'd gotten a kiss. And he smiled and said, "is that so?" but by that time I'd lost my nerve so I just sat there looking at my cup and hoping. And I'd about given up hope when I felt his hand on my chin, and he turned my face up and kissed me.

It was even better than I remembered.

It's really not possible to describe it. Not really. I've been sitting here for 5 minutes just thinking about it and practically making myself hyperventilate over remembering it, but when I try to put it into words it just doesn't work. It was only a few seconds, but if I could bottle them up and keep them with me forever I don't think I could ever be unhappy again. That's about the only way to describe it.

* * *

Feb 25, 2019 

I haven't been writing. Nothing really big has happened since Valentine's day. It's been the usual, go to school, do homework, hang out with Quil, hang out with Sharon, hang out with Sharon and Quil, try to convince Sharon that Quil is normal, go to the movies, blah blah blah. No special occasions coming along to save me from the monotony that is February. No snow. No ice storms. No big scandal at school. Nothing.

I'm not unhappy, and it's not bad. But I can't keep writing life is good yadda yadda every day because that would be kind of boring. Maybe I need to take a break from writing.

* * *

March 6, 2019 

It's finally starting to warm up. Boy I was a really cheery piece of sunshine in my last entry wasn't I? It was the winter doldrums. The sun came out today, and we went for a run after school and it just felt so good to be out in the air. Sharon thinks I'm a nut job that I'm actually liking this running business, but really on a day like today how could I not? I told her she should just get on her bike and come with us, but she just snorted and said no thanks. Her loss. I like it just me and Quil anyway.

Spring break is coming up soon. I can't wait. If it's sunny, I'm going to park myself outside with a book and just be lazy all day. If it's rainy, I'm going to build a fire and park myself inside with a book and be lazy. Lazy. No homework. No studying. Lazy. Me. Spring break. yes.

* * *

March 22, 2019 

AHH spring break. I'm going to go over to Aunt Emily's tomorrow and just play with Billy and Sandy all day. I feel like rolling around on the ground playing trucks and baby dolls. Quil says I'm getting spring fever. I don't know. I'm just happy to have a whole week ahead of me with no responsibilities at all. Oh and for the record, St. Patrick's Day does not qualify as a special occasion. I didn't ask, and he didn't do anything. I figured he'd let me know if it was. I was disappointed, but then we're not even close to Irish. I always thought it was a stupid holiday.

* * *

March 31, 2019 

I didn't write diddly all week. And I didn't do diddly all week either. I slept in every day, and lazed around in my pj's until I had a reason to get out of them. And some days that reason didn't show up until after 3 and would laugh at me for still being in my pj's. Sharon would come over and we'd go hang out at the beach some or go over to the tide pools and see what we could find there. It was really relaxing. She said that we should do the tourist vacation of La Push, like we get a bunch of tourists, so we visited all the things we could think of. It only took a couple of days but it was fun. Other than that, I did just what I said I'd do. I parked myself on my butt and read books. Books that hadn't been assigned by any reading list. Books that I wouldn't be tested on. It was just what I needed.

* * *

April 5, 2019 

They're at it again. Only they're going completely nuts this time. The teachers at school that is. They really don't want me to remember this year fondly, that's for sure. This month, I have a huge paper due in English comp, a huge passage in Spanish that I have to translate, and I have to do an entry for the science fair. It's mandatory to be in the science fair now. I've never had to do one before because my brain just doesn't tick that way, but now I have to come up with something, figure it out, and make some big display about it. Yippee.

All this is in preparation for next month, when they slam us with tests again. So ya diary, it's been nice knowing you. I'll see you this summer.

Oh ya, April Fool's Day - does not qualify.

* * *

April 7, 2019 

OK I had to write this one down really quickly. Quil was trying to help me figure out what to do for the science fair and I told him that I could do it on the life cycle of the werewolf. He looked so shocked I busted out laughing. It was hilarious. He thought it was even funnier than I did once he got over it.

* * *

May 5, 2019 

It's been nearly a month since I wrote in here. I've been working on homework, and I got drafted to work on decorations for the 8th grade prom. I am NOT going to that. No way. I'll make all the decorations they want, but they can't make me go to that. I can't take Quil so I'm not going. They've never had one before this year anyway. I'm pretty sure it was Becky's idea. That kind of thing is right up her alley.

So with school work, decorations, hanging out with Sharon, and hanging out with Quil a month has just gone right by. And Quil is starting to pester again with the end of year tests coming up. Sharon said she's coming over for exam boot camp again because she did really well on all her tests after being hounded by Quil. He said that he wasn't a very good student when he was in school, and he wants me to do better than he did. I asked him what kind of grades he got but he wouldn't tell me.

* * *

May 24, 2019 

End of Exams I love you! One more week of school and then it's summer and then next year high school. Aunt Emily asked me if I wanted to take care of Billy and Sandy again this summer and I said sure thing. Sandy is almost 4, and Billy is 6 now. They're more fun now than they've ever been. I'm going to take that Art book that Quil got me for Christmas that one time over there and see if there's anything in there that we can make. They'll like that. It will be more work this year because neither of them takes a nap anymore, but it will be easier because they're not trying to find ways to destroy the house or hurt themselves.

One more week and then sweet sweet freedom. Quil said that he wants to take us out for dinner somewhere to celebrate. I don't know where to go though, and Sharon doesn't have any ideas either. We'll probably end up going for pizza again. I love the place where we go because they make Coke floats.

* * *

June 1, 2019 

Hooray for summer! I start Monday with Billy and Sandy. Aunt Emily is doing 4 hour shifts this year instead of 3 hour ones because the kids are older. That's fine with me. They're not trouble at all, and it's not like Quil or Sharon ever drag themselves out of bed before noon anyway.

* * *

June 7, 2019 

Taking care of Billy and Sandy this summer is just as easy and fun as I thought it was going to be. I just have to remember to keep them busy or they start fighting over everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Aunt Emily says that Sarah and I were the same way, and she used to want to pull her hair out over us. I told her I was paying her back then and she just laughed.

If the rest of my summer goes like this week did then it will be pretty good. I take care of the kids in the mornings, go down to the beach with my book or sketch pad in the afternoons, then Quil shows up and we go for a run, and then we're home and just goof around the house watching TV or whatever until it's time for me to start dinner for Mom when she gets home. Sharon came over a couple of days, and other days I went over there. And that's pretty much it.

I could do this all summer. I think I just might.

* * *

July 4, 2019 

We're going to the fireworks tonight! Sarah isn't going to go because she has a date with her boyfriend. And Sharon just called to back out because her parents say that she hasn't been doing enough family things with them because she's always over here. So now she has to stay home and set off fireworks in the driveway with her dad. I asked her if she wanted me to come over there, but she said that would probably make her parents mad because they were going on about the whole family thing, so I'm not going to go over there. I'm glad. I offered and I would have gone but I'd rather go to the big fireworks show with Quil.

I wonder if the 4th of July is a special occasion?

* * *

July 5, 2019 

The 4th of July is a special occasion.

It was one of those it just happened moments again. I was sitting there leaning back on my hands watching the fireworks and fighting with my hair because the wind kept blowing it in my face. I forgot to bring a pony tail holder to tie it back. So anyway, I kept brushing it out of my face, and there was one really neat firework that blasted several shapes one after the other one, and I looked over at Quil to see what he thought of that one, and he was looking at me, and he reached over to brush the hair out of my face and leaned over and kissed me.

It's always better than I remember it. I'm afraid I remember them as a lot better than they are, considering that's only the 3rd time it's ever happened I don't have much to base it on. But both times it's nearly knocked me over with feeling. It might be a good thing that he only kisses me for a couple of seconds and then pulls away, because if he stayed there longer I might fall over.

I said "so this is a special occasion huh?" and he said "there's fireworks."

He got that right.

* * *

July 14, 2019 

There are fireworks on Bastille day, but unfortunately they are in France.

* * *

Aug 2, 2019 

Where did this summer go? They're already running ads for back to school. I'm excited about going to high school, but I don't want to go. This summer has been so nice, I don't want it to be over yet. It's a good thing I still have a month left.

* * *

Aug 30, 2019 

Where did that month go? Am I ready? I guess I'd better be since school starts on Tuesday.

Tonight is the last movie night of the summer. Quil says he has a special surprise for us. I have no idea what he has planned, or why we need to be ready to go at 4pm, but that's all he's saying. Sharon keeps making these wild guesses, but I really have no clue.

* * *

Aug 31, 2019 

Did you know that there was a drive in movie theater in Port Orchard? Because I sure didn't. I have no idea how he found out about it, but Quil drove us all the way over there because they were showing the movie Grease and he said that we HAD to go see that at a drive in during the last weekend of summer. It was awesome. The part where they're in the drive in and he's singing about what they'll say back at school, all the cars were flashing their lights and you could hear people cheering. It was so much fun. He has the best ideas.

* * *

Sept 6, 2019 

One week into high school and I only got lost twice. I'm doing pretty well there I think. The teachers are all a little more laid back. They don't hound you for stuff. They say, this is due then and then leave you to it. I like it. I have Geometry (what a way to start the day! ugh!), World History, Art, English Lit, Physical Science, and Gym. And I think I'm going to try out for the cross country team. Why not? I ran with Quil almost every day over the summer. He says I'll make the team easily. Then I'd have practice 3 afternoons a week but I don't have a job anyway so that's ok. Sharon thinks I'm crazy but I really enjoy running. I never thought I would, and maybe I still won't. I might just enjoy the running because it's with Quil. But I'm going to try anyway. It would make Dad really happy to have one of his girls on a sport team.

* * *

Sept 13, 2019 

I made the team! Quil said he never had any doubt. I actually got one of the best times on the team. And it was still fun to run even though Quil wasn't there. There are some really nice girls who are sophomores that were on the team last year. And Dad is over the moon about it. He says he always wished he hadn't quit the wrestling team when he was in high school. I've seen what they have to wear though, and I can't imagine Dad in one of those suits. It would be too funny.

I asked Quil if he was on a team in high school, and he said that he wasn't allowed to be on a team. He'd been on the baseball team before the first time he changed, but after that the elders said that he would be too dangerous to be on a team like that. I felt kind of bad for him. It's not like he signed up for that. He said not to worry about it, that the perks made up for it.

Oh, and Friday the 13th is not a special occasion. Unfortunately, I making the cross country team doesn't seem to be one either. You'd think that one would be at least.

* * *

Sept 30, 2019 

Practice eats in to my time these days, but I'm really enjoying the team. It's kind of like my own little version of a pack. Quil thought that was pretty funny. The two sophomore girls I mentioned before, Lisa and Amber, are really nice. We usually end up running together. We don't really talk much, but it's nice to run with them.

Sharon talked to the art department and we got permission to build a haunted house. It's going to be great. The PTA jumped on board and is buying some materials for it so we can use it as a fundraiser. So now we just have to plan it and build it. They're teaming us up with the kids in Shop to build the thing. So there goes the rest of my free time. But it's going to be so much fun, I don't mind.

* * *

Oct 23, 2019 

The haunted house is almost done. They're going to run it all next week. It's really cool. We have a bunch of volunteers who are dressing up as mummies and corpses to jump out and scare people. They said that a bunch of kids from the high school over in Forks are planning on coming too. They said that if it's a success then they're going to find a place to store some of the props we build this year and do it every year. Sharon's on cloud nine because it was her idea, so she's been in the best mood. I'm not going to be doing anything in the house though. I'm going to have a table outside and paint the kids' faces again. It's just too much fun doing that for me to give it up, and the kids really like it. It's getting so they expect me to be there every year now. I don't really mind it. It's cute when they remember me from the year before.

* * *

Nov 2, 2019 

The haunted house was a roaring success. They pulled in so much money, they're not going to be hounding us with fundraisers this year. They took all of us who worked on the house out for hamburgers last night and gave Sharon a certificate for thinking the idea up. It was great.

My birthday is coming up, and it's on a Saturday this year. I'm thinking that I'd like to have a bonfire again, down on the beach. I want to invite the cross country team and a few other people. Maybe some of the pack if they want to come. I had such a hard time this time last year, and things are going so well now, I really want to celebrate.

And my birthday better be a special occasion.


	16. Chapter 16

_What happens when my internet goes out and I have nothing to do while I wait for the next onslaught of houseguests? Why, you get a very long chapter. I know some of you are waiting (patiently?) for the next chapter in my other story, and I hope you'll forgive the slight writer's block I've developed on that one. It's in there. I just have to find it. In the meantime, enjoy._

_Also, for those of you requesting Quil, you'll get him in a separate piece. Patience grasshopper. The 2 year old is screamy and he waits for no one._

* * *

Nov 9, 2019

It's all set. A bunch of the pack is coming, and most of the cross country team, and Sharon and a few other random people from my art class too. Now the weather has to cooperate. I can handle a light rain, but if it starts pouring we're going to have to cancel. There's no way all of those people can fit in this house.

I keep thinking back to this time last year, and how different I feel. Last year it was like I had a storm going on in my head, or it was filled with sand or something, and I couldn't find my way out of it. I didn't even trust myself because I felt like I was going crazy. Now this year, I feel grounded. Sure I'm grounded in some sort of supernatural wacky world, but it's real and I really prefer this to your standard kind of crazy.

So in this past year I found out Quil's secret and know that he's bound to me in some way that I hope is love and seems like love even if he won't come right out and say it. And he's kissed me 3 times and has been near me more than ever. I finished middle school and have started high school. I've joined a team and made new friends. I've started to feel more comfortable in my own skin.

I wonder what this next year will bring?

* * *

Nov 16, 2019 

Happy birthday to me! 15. I wonder how many more years I have to get through before Quil will start seeing me as a woman? Bonfire in 5 hours. Must get to the store to pick up more food. Especially since part of the pack is coming.

* * *

Nov 17, 2019 

The bonfire was excellent. Quil and Embry had it stacked so high I thought the sparks might make it all the way up to the stars. And it was clear! No rain at all. I got really lucky there. We ate and danced and told stories and had a great time. I almost wish I had a summer birthday so I'd have more of a chance at a clear sky, but hey it worked out last night and fires are so much nicer when it's cold out. I must be a pyro I like fires so much.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking - well is your birthday a special occasion or not? Why yes. Yes it is.

He waited until everyone was gone - of course. And then we walked along the beach a little way just talking about the party and the random little things that had happened. And then when we turned around he pulled me to him and he kissed me. And this one was different from the others because it was a little longer - not much but a little - and because instead of him leaning over he pulled me to him so my body was pressed up against his a little - but not as much as I wanted it to be. It's never as much as I want it to be, and it's always too short. But it was so good. I felt like my stomach fell to my feet at the same time as something in my chest rose up.

So if I count up the special occasions, I get my birthday, New Years, Valentines, and July 4th. That's not enough. I need to lobby for Christmas and some of the lesser holidays. He seems to want this as much as I do. I should just bring it up. I should make it a rule that he has to kiss me at least once a month. Greedy? yes. I want more. Heck I want more than the kisses but I don't think he'd agree to that yet.

* * *

Nov 24, 2019 

Well I haven't brought it up with him yet. How am I supposed to begin that topic? "Hey Quil, I like you a whole lot but this friends thing you're pulling is getting old. How about you smooch me more?" Sure. That's it. Riiight. I can hear him now, laughing his head off and then coming up with something lame like quality over quantity. We only have 3 days of school this week and then it's Thanksgiving. I think we need to see a movie or something on Friday. Just us. Or maybe go out for pizza again and sit in the restaurant and talk like we did before. I kind of don't want to do it yet, because this is so close to my meltdown I had last year. I don't want him thinking "uh oh, Thanksgiving... time for Claire's yearly freak out." Happy Holidays.

I keep thinking over the last time, and how much better it was that the ones before it. There's something about being pulled to him that made it better. Maybe I should just pull him to me. But then he'd have to cooperate with me. He's too strong to just get yanked somewhere by me.

I really don't know what to do about it. I just know I want to do something.

* * *

Nov 29, 2019 

Thanksgiving food tastes so much better when you're happy. Last year everything tasted like cardboard. I don't even know if I ate much of anything. This year was excellent.

We're going to see a movie tonight. Or we might go see a movie tonight. I'm going to have to be brave and bring up the subject at dinner, so who knows if we'll make it to a movie? It's been a long time since we had that talk about being friends and it not going on dates. And I've been really good, always trying to get someone to go with us. So it's time we had a talk again.

* * *

Nov 30, 2019 

We never made it to the movie. And Quil wasn't surprised when I said that we needed to talk again about what exactly we are to each other. I got the impression that he's been thinking about that kiss he gave me on my birthday as much as I have.

I don't know where I'm getting all this courage with him. Maybe because I feel like he really is looking out for me. Or because he's always been a part of my life. How many times have I told him things that I wouldn't tell to anyone else? Now it's different, because a lot of what I want to talk about is him, and I can't talk about him to him. So I write here and talk to Aunt Emily. She's the one who told me to just lay it out on the table and see what he said.

Anyway, like I said he didn't seem surprised. He told me that he only wants what's best for me. I told him that it would be best if he kissed me more often – go me! I'm brave! – and he thought that was pretty funny. So I asked him what he thought would be best. And he said that he thought it would be best if I were a little older, which kind of hurt. Because I'm getting older as fast as I can. I'd skip ahead of I could.

I mean, I can see where he's coming from, with the whole age difference thing. But I asked him if he'd imprinted on me when he was 16 and I was 15 if he would have kissed me more and he said that sure he would because we'd only be a year apart. So I asked him why that imaginary 15 year old got more kissing than I got, and he just looked at me with this weird expression – kind of like he thought I was crazy and kind of like he thought I was brilliant. But then he said that our age difference does make it harder than it being that simple. So then I told him that 4 kisses a year was not enough.

It's kind of funny to write about it like this. Like it was some big power deal or something. Bargaining for kisses. Ha.

Anyway he thought that me saying that 4 kisses a year wasn't enough was pretty funny, and he said that he'd see what he could do about that, but he was not going to let himself get carried away and I was still only 15 and we couldn't go on real dates and he couldn't really be my boyfriend.

I didn't say this to him, but I wanted to say, "You know what Quil? Tough. I don't ever go out with any other boy, and I don't kiss anyone else, and you're all I think about, so I think you're my boyfriend whether you want to be or not. And by the way, I want you to get carried away. I want you to get carried away really bad." I don't think he would have taken that very well, but that's what I feel like.

* * *

Dec 9, 2019 

Exams are coming up. My first round of high school exams. They have it set up we have up to 3 hours to take each exam. One is in the morning, then lunch, then the other one. It's going to be rough. Last year's 8th grade tests were all done during the class time, so none of them took longer than an hour to do. I'm nervous, and Quil is following me around with flash cards again.

* * *

Dec 15, 2019 

I can't sleep. Exams start tomorrow. I have one in every class but Gym and Art. At least they're not trying to pawn off some sort of Gym exam here. Art is easier, because I just have to put together a portfolio of my work up to now, and talk to the class about it and explain any underlying theme. So that's not so bad, except for the getting up in front of people thing. It's a good thing the class is small and they're all my friends.

I better try to get to sleep. I can't zombie my way through Geometry tomorrow.

* * *

Dec 21, 2019 

Bless you Christmas Break. I love you and all of your days of not studying and not taking tests. And now I'm going to go sit in front of the TV and rot my brain a little. Hooray!

* * *

Dec 25, 2019 

Merry Christmas! This year was another good one. They just get better every year. Mom and I decided to try making our own fruit cake this year. Holy cow I never knew how much alcohol goes in to one of those. Quil came over when we had just finished up and asked if he missed last call. Then he said that didn't matter if he missed last call because he could have gotten drunk on the fumes coming off us. Mom said that most of the alcohol bakes out. I tasted some because Sarah dared me to, and I don't know how anyone can just drink that stuff. It burned my nose and throat. Mom laughed when I tried it and started coughing so hard my eyes were watering. I think I'll stick with Coke for now.

I asked her why she let me try it, and she said that it's the kind of thing that you don't believe what people say about it until you try it for yourself.

But anyway, the fruitcake was a big success with all the family. Everyone liked it and we said we'd make it again even though Quil was calling me a booze hound.

Then we went to the pack party. It's almost like having two Christmases. It was a lot of fun. Someone had a karaoke machine, and I was impressed with some of the singing. They tried to get me up there, but I wasn't going. I'll paint all you want, but you're not getting me to sing, especially for a bunch of people.

By the time we got home from that everyone was in bed already (it's after midnight now) and Quil came in for just a minute before he had to go home. I figured that Christmas is a pretty major holiday, but he was looking like he was going to do the hug Claire and beat it routine, so instead of hugging him like I always do I reached up and put my arms around his neck instead. He just looked at me for a minute, and then he pulled me a little closer and kissed me. Still not close enough – will it ever feel close enough? But I got my kiss and I'm happy about that, and New Years is not far away. He's coming over here again. I told him that I prefer our private parties, and he said that he did too.

* * *

Jan 1, 2020, 

Happy New Year! We had fun last night. I was pretty sure I'd get my kiss this time, and things have changed so I wasn't all nervous like I was last year. Still not as much as I want, or as long. Drives me crazy, but in a good way. I'm so hormonal, I'd throw him down and jump him if I could. If I told him that, he'd probably run off and never come back. Claire's gone nutso again.

But really, there's not much to tell about the night. We had the TV on, and we talked, and ate leftovers and chocolate. We tried playing Trivial Pursuit, but neither one of us was getting anywhere with that one – any time we got easy questions they were never for pie. It was enjoyable, just being in each other's company without the pressure.

* * *

Jan 6, 2020 

Back to the old grind at school again. Not much is going on out of the ordinary. Just day to day whatevers.

* * *

Jan 24, 2020 

Movie night tonight. I think I should remind Quil that I have yet to get my kiss for January. I wonder if he'll count the New Year's one as January. That would be annoying if he did. I wonder if I'd be so focused on the kisses if he would just touch me more. You know, like hold my hand sometimes or put his arm around me or something. But it's like he's got some sort of barrier that he won't cross, and the only time he seems to forget it is with a kiss. Right now it feels like I'm just trying to take what I can get.

* * *

Feb 4, 2020 

Valentine's is on a Friday, and that would usually be a movie night, but since it's Valentine's and everything will be packed we're going to stay at home and rent a movie or something.

Sharon is being all mysterious at school. I think she likes someone but is too shy to say. And I have no idea who it could be either. She's never talked about guys with me before, not that I can talk to her about guys either since the whole Quil thing. She's finally just accepted him as a weird guy and that's his normal so I don't even want to bring in the whole, "oh yes by the way, I'm love with him and lusting after his body" into it. She'd say she understood or something, but she'd be watching me for signs of crazy again.

Which is funny because I'm watching her for signs of crazy. I guess that's what friends do. We look out for the crazy in each other so we can help out if it gets too out of hand.

* * *

Feb 15, 2020 

Valentine's Day is a good day for me. This year, Quil didn't leave chocolate out on my porch, which was kind of disappointing because that's how my day has started these past few years. Sarah even was saying that my mystery man finally seemed to take the hint and move on. I tried to just blow it off, but I couldn't help wondering if maybe because we kept having those talks and he knows that I want more – and I also know that he's the one who's been leaving candy all this time – if maybe he didn't leave any because he didn't want me to think the wrong thing.

But really, I don't even know what the wrong thing to think is. Judging by what I want and what he's giving, I'm thinking the wrong thing all of the time. But seriously, really. Think about it!

OK here you have this guy, man, werewolf… whatever you call him. He's very tall, and dark, and handsome, with lots of muscles, and he's really warm all the time, and he smells good, and he's always around just when I need him, and he always wants to do things for me, or do things with me, and he says that he thinks about me all the time, and every once in a while I catch him looking at me with this LOOK… that I really can't explain what he's looking like except it makes my insides go all to jelly and my heart starts pounding.

Really… I think what I'm thinking isn't the wrong thing at all. No no no. Not wrong one bit. Completely and absolutely hormonal, but normal.

But back to the story… he showed up after dinner with chocolate and a smile, and Mom just gave him this look like she knew what he was up to but she didn't say anything. Thank God, that would have been embarrassing. So we watched our movie and ate popcorn and had a great time. And at one point he turned and kissed me, and I tried to lean into him more but he pulled away and just said, "Claire," so I told him that he could at least put his arm around me then, so he did for the rest of the movie. That was nice.

* * *

Feb 27, 2020 

We had an ice storm. No school today because it knocked out the power. This house is freezing. Quil is on his way over. Sitting next to him on the couch is as good as sitting on a heat vent. He can thaw out my toes.

* * *

March 10, 2020 

It's finally starting to warm up. They got the power back up right away after the storm, so we had heat again that night, but there were branches down everywhere. It's too bad it caused that much damage because the ice on the trees was really beautiful. I'm going to have to try to see if I can paint something like that somehow. I don't even know where I'd start that. Maybe I should take up photography.

Sharon has to go right home after school still. Her mom slipped on the ice trying to get down their driveway and twisted her ankle. She's still on crutches, so Sharon has been going home to help her out. I've been going most days with her, but now that it's getting nice out I want to start back with running again. I've been lazy these past couple of months because I wimped out in the cold. How did Quil manage to drag me out in that last year? I don't know, because this year my little spot under my blanket has been really nice to me.

* * *

March 13, 2020 

Friday the 13th. Quil is kicking my tail with the running. He's been laughing at me for hiding in the house all winter, and I just told him that normal people don't have a built in heating system as nice as his. Oh my legs. I'm going to rub some more Ben Gay on. He can laugh at me all he wants to for the smell. It's his fault. Mr. big idea to run up the hill. Ouch. It's a good thing spring break is next week.

* * *

March 25, 2020 

Yesterday I realized that I hadn't gotten my March kiss in yet, and so after our run I went for it. We were coming in the house and my parents weren't home from work yet, and Sarah was no where around – I don't know if she had to work or not – and so when we were coming in the door I stopped just inside and turned around and reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck. It surprised him, but he didn't say no. And I was good and didn't try to press up against him so he didn't pull away too soon. Still soon, but not abrupt like last time.

I wish there was some way to get him to make it more… I don't know… deeper? It sounds crude to say "slip in some tongue" but that's what it is. It's probably the whole "you're still just 15" thing.

* * *

April 3, 2020 

Sharon is going on a date! I knew she liked someone! Took her long enough. I think he's just as shy as she is. It's a guy from our Art class, but he's 2 years older than we are. They don't have Art divided up by year or anything, so anyone can take it. Anyway his name is Brandon and he obviously likes her a whole lot. I can't wait to hear how it went. She's nervous, but he can drive so she's excited too. I told her that if she wanted me and Quil to meet them somewhere that we would, and she said that maybe we'd do that some other time because she wants to see what it's like to be alone with Brandon. I hope she has a good time. I know she will.

* * *

April 22, 2020 

I haven't been writing much because nothing much out of the ordinary is going on. Sharon and Brandon are now an "item." But he's really nice and I like him a lot. He eats lunch with us now, and I was going to go find somewhere else to eat but he said that that was silly and why should I have to run off from my friend just because he liked her. So we all eat lunch together and it's a lot of fun. He has a bunch of new stories about some of the kids in school (and some of the teachers!) and he's really entertaining. His mom was a teacher for years – she just retired – so he knows a lot of what goes on behind the scenes. I never knew that some of what goes on at this school was so much like a soap opera. He said that we can't ever tell anyone though, because he's not even supposed to know this stuff. His Mom wouldn't get in trouble, but they'd be mad at her. It's made lunch a whole lot more interesting though!

* * *

May 4, 2020 

Exams are in two weeks. Then one week of classes again – I guess so they can give out our grades and do all the weird assembly junk they always do at the end of the year. Then it's out for the summer. One year of high school done, 3 more to go.

Aunt Emily asked me if I was going to work in the store this year like Sarah did, but I don't think I want to do that. She said that since I didn't want to she'd really enjoy it if I wanted to watch Billy and Sandy again. She likes working at the store during the summer because she gets to visit with everyone that she normally doesn't see when she's at the house taking care of the kids. And this next year she might stay working there since Sandy will be starting school too. So I'm going to watch the kids again and she's going to work. I'm glad.

Sarah is graduating too. The ceremony is on the 4th, I guess so if anyone has to have family travel in they have plenty of time. She can't wait. She got into UW and can't wait to be out on her own. I'm jealous of her.

* * *

May 22, 2020 

Exams are done. I am a puddle. Ugh. Quil and I are going to a movie with Sharon and Brandon tonight. It's going to feel like a double date. He probably won't like that but he knows that Brandon is Sharon's boyfriend and what else is it going to look like with two male/female couples? Maybe he can kiss me goodnight since it will feel like a date anyway.

* * *

June 5, 2020 

Sarah is officially graduated. I can't believe it. We all went out to dinner afterwards and then she went to some huge party and didn't get home until this afternoon. Dad was going to lay into her but Mom told him that you only graduate high school once and they knew where she was the whole time so he should just let it go. She's going to be getting into all sorts of stuff in college anyway. There won't be anyone there to make her come home. They have people in the dorms in case they have trouble, but most of the time you're just doing whatever on your own there. That sounds so good to me. But Mom and Dad are pretty lenient with me anyway. I guess because I know to come home from a party instead of just showing up the next day.

* * *

June 20, 2020 

Ha, that's a lot of 20s. We had a movie night last night. We went with Sharon and Brandon again. Quil didn't say anything about it this time. I guess he's realized that it's either go with them or go alone since Sharon won't go without him and Sarah is too busy to go with us anymore. I guess I could ask Lisa or Amber if they'd want to go, but then that would get me into the whole explaining Quil thing and Sharon is already used to him so I don't want to go down that path again. Besides, it feels like a double date and Quil has kissed me afterwards both times. So I like it that way.

Summer is going well. Billy and Sandy love doing the crafty stuff I come up with, and it's fun to watch what they come up with. Sandy's imagination is really coming out. She's going to have a lot of fun in Kindergarten next year. It's all she can talk about.

I was thinking of getting my hair cut. It's really long and is almost to my butt now. I asked Quil if he thought I should get it cut, and all he said was "Please don't." I didn't know he liked my hair long but apparently he does.

* * *

July 5, 2020 

I love the 4th of July. I love going to see the fireworks with Quil. I didn't even ask Sharon if she wanted to go this year. I figured she'd be doing something with Brandon anyway, and after last year it just seems like something that we should do alone. Like New Years. I'm going to stop trying to describe what it's like when he kisses me. It can't be done, and it's the same old story of I want more. It feels like he wants more too, but he won't let himself. So he won't let me. I can't help feeling a little bit angry with him for that. I know that Sharon is having a lot more fun on the physical side of things than I am. I just wish he'd let go and not worry so much.

* * *

July 23, 2020 

I had a talk with Aunt Emily today about my relationship with Quil. She's really understanding, but she said that she thinks that where we are is about where we should be. It's frustrating. I know, I know. I'm 15. We'll say for the sake of argument that Quil is 25. That's 10 years difference, but it's a big 10 years. To everyone except for me. I'm going to go. I'm whining again.

* * *

Aug 11, 2020 

Same old same old. I've been running with Quil almost every afternoon. I haven't seen as much of Sharon this summer because she spends a lot of time with Brandon. They say they don't mind it when I hang out with them, but it feels like I'm intruding.

I need to take a trip to Port Angeles and get some new books to read. I can pretty much recite all of mine by now. I can't wait until my birthday. I'll be able to get my permit. Quil said that he'll teach me how to drive. I can't wait.

* * *

Aug 22, 2020 

Mom took me to Port Angeles today to do a bunch of school shopping. We had to go ahead and go because we're moving Sarah into UW on Monday. Mom and Dad are both taking off Monday and Tuesday to get her moved in to her dorm. I can't believe she's going to be moving out. It's so weird to think of it. She's so happy about it she's being nice to everyone. She even said that whatever clothes she leaves behind is fair game for me to borrow. Which reminds me, I need to check and make sure that my stuff that she's always wants to borrow stays here. It would be just like her to take that purple blouse as payment for letting me wear what she leaves behind.

* * *

Aug 26, 2020 

Well we're back from moving Sarah in. Her dorm room was a lot smaller than I thought it would be, but her roommate seemed really nice. And both of their beds are up in the air, with their desks and dressers underneath so there's a lot more room than there would be otherwise. Her roommate brought this little loveseat and Sarah brought our old coffee table so they have this little living room setup. They were having fun trying to decorate the place and make it look homey. I wonder if she's going to miss being here or if she's going to have so much fun that she'll hate coming back here?

I'll admit it, I'm jealous. They're in a big building pretty much on their own, but they don't have to worry about cooking food because there's a cafeteria in the bottom of the dorm, and they don't have a curfew or anything. I'm not particularly jealous of the classes – I'd rather do art, but the freedom… the freedom would be nice.

* * *

Sept 8, 2020 

Today was the first day of school. I like it this year more than last year because I know my way around and I know more people. I'm trying out for cross country again, but since I was on the team last year it's pretty much sure I won't have any problems there. Especially since I ran with Quil all summer. I sat with Brandon and Sharon at lunch today, but Lisa and Amber sat with us too. I hope that keeps up. It's fun to have everyone together.

This year I have English lit, Spanish, Government, Gym, Art, Biology, and Algebra 2. Not too awful, not too great. I'm going to hate the Algebra. At least this is the last year that gym is required. I heard they have to take it all 4 years at Forks. That wouldn't be any fun. Well it would be ok, but then you wouldn't get a chance to try any other elective thing.

* * *

Sept 12, 2020 

I made the team again. And this year it was a kiss worthy offense. At least that's an improvement from last year.

* * *

Sept 29, 2020 

I haven't been writing much lately. I don't know why, I just don't have that much to say. I'm pretty much just going along doing my thing. I don't have much math homework. It seems like in high school they don't give you a bunch of work to do – they just want you to do enough to show that you know what they're talking about. So that's good. English is going to be another story. We have to write essays for every book we study, and then our tests are essay tests too. It's a good thing I enjoy reading and writing, but Ethan Frome has got to be one of the most pointless books ever.

* * *

Oct 2, 2020 

The haunted house is back on for this year. We don't have to do as much since they stored a lot of the props we made last year, so it won't be as much work. I'll man the face painting table again too. I love Halloween. I think it's one of my favorite holidays. And this year it's on a Saturday, so it will be extra good.

* * *

Oct 14, 2020 

So I have a problem now. Guys at school keep asking me out. And of course I don't want to go on dates with them, but I can't tell them that I'm dating Quil because I'm not because he's a moron about that. I'm going to have to talk to him about that. I mean, I can keep telling guys no, but if they knew that I was seeing someone that didn't go to our school then maybe they'd leave me alone. It's annoying, and I feel mean because it feels like I'm hurting their feelings. No one believes me when I say that I don't want to see anyone right now. I mean, I'm at the age when I'm supposed to be trying to sneak off and make out under the bleachers in gym class. I'd like to sneak off under the bleachers and make out with someone, just not any of them.

* * *

Oct 17, 2020 

I told Quil about my problem with the boys at school last night. He looked a little worried at first, and asked me if I wanted to date any of them. No dummy I want to date you. I didn't say that but still. How can he doubt me? I told him that I already had a man in my life and I wasn't looking to change that any time soon.

He looked pretty happy about that, and then he got all mopey – saying that I wasn't having the usual high school experience because of him. So then I asked him if he had the usual high school experience. I mean, how could he when he imprinted on a freaking 2 year old and was busting out covered with fur every day? He stopped his rambling and just looked at me for a minute, and then he started laughing and said, "That's why I love you Claire. You keep me grounded in reality." I told him that it was an alternate reality, which made him laugh pretty hard, but the whole time I was thinking about how he said that he loved me.

He's never come right out and said that before. Not unless it was part of answering a question from me. I guess I had this weird look on my face because he asked me what was wrong. I said, "You said that you love me." And he said, "Claire, of course I love you," and he kissed me. Which was really nice but still too short and just left me wanting more.

So then I asked him what I should do about the boys at school. And he said that I should probably tell them that I'm seeing someone. I asked him if that meant that I could call him my boyfriend and he just smiled and said yes.

Yes!

* * *

Oct 19, 2020 

I need to talk to Sharon. She's really my only friend who knows Quil better than just a passing face, and if I'm going to start calling him my boyfriend she's going to want to know what's up. I can't tell her much, but I have to tell her something. I think I'll tell her that there's a real explanation, but I can't tell her about it, but everything is good and my parents approve and he's not some creepy weirdo. She knows him well enough by now that she shouldn't think that. And she has Brandon now, so she'll understand that side of things better, I hope.

* * *

Oct 20, 2020 

Sharon took it well. I'm really glad. She said that she always knew there was more there than we ever said, but she was really understanding when I said that I can't really talk about it. She's a good friend. She knew I was telling the truth and just took me at my word. There aren't a lot of people who would do that.

* * *

Oct 25, 2020 

The haunted house starts tomorrow and will go all week. Quil's going to come man the face painting table with me. He can't paint faces, but he can put those temporary tattoos on the kids who want them.

* * *

Oct 27, 2020 

I really like being able to call Quil my boyfriend now. He still barely kisses me, but he holds my hand now and is generally more touchy/huggy. That makes up for it. Some.

* * *

Nov 12, 2020 

My birthday is on a Monday this year, so I'm not going for a party. We'll just do the family thing. Last year would be hard to top anyway. It's weird how some years I want to be out in the world all celebrating and other years I want to be close to home with just a few people. I just feel like I'm finally starting to get somewhere with Quil and I don't want to share him.


	17. Chapter 17

_This one is not as long because it doesn't cover a lot of time, but it covers a couple of monumental events. Enjoy!_

* * *

Nov 17, 2020 

I'm cutting school today. I was so tired and I didn't wake up until almost noon. Mom was ok with it. I guess Quil got Aunt Emily to talk with her ahead of time, because I don't think she ever would have agreed to it otherwise. Wait. Let me tell this right.

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm 16! I'd planned on waiting until after everyone went home to write about how my birthday went, but then I never was able to and by the time we got home I was half asleep so I couldn't write until now. But it was incredible. Like magic. I guess it is a kind of magic.

Anyway, it started out as a normal evening after school. Mom made some of my favorite things for dinner, and we had cake. It was strange because this is the first birthday that Sarah wasn't there, but it was homey and nice. Mom and Dad gave me some gift cards and some books, but Quil said that his present was a little different and he would give it to me once it got a little bit later. So then we all went into the living room and played some games and just had some nice family time like we haven't had in forever. I was glad that I'd decided to do the at home birthday thing this year instead of a party, and Mom especially was really happy about it. I guess there's something about your last baby turning 16 that does that, so I'm glad I did.

It was starting to get late, so I was pestering Quil about my present. He would just smile and say that 16 was a special birthday so he had to do something good, and he wouldn't say anything else about it. Mom was in on it and she just smiled, but she looked kind of strange about it too, like she was... I don't know. Wishing for something? It's hard to explain. Wistful maybe.

Finally it was almost 10, which is when Quil normally leaves, and he got up and said it was time for him to be going, which made me kind of mad because he still hadn't told me what this special present was and he hadn't kissed me for my birthday yet and Mom and Dad were still up and I didn't want him to do that in front of them either. But he just took my hand and pulled me along behind him and Mom told him to be careful and then we were outside.

There was hardly any moon, it was the new moon last night so there was only a little sliver, so it was really dark outside. I was so confused, because we were going outside at 10 and Mom said to be careful and I had no clue what was going on. He was really enjoying surprising me too. So we walked across the yard a little ways, and he turned to me and kissed me, and then he said, "I'll only be a minute, and then I want you to climb on my back." and he took off running.

He was only gone for a little bit, and he came back as a wolf. I was laughing by then because I'd been pestering him to let me see him as a wolf again for a long time, but he always has a reason he couldn't do it right then. So I was smiling at him and rubbing his ear and he put his head to the side and crouched down, and I remembered that I was supposed to get on his back.

I climbed up there, and then he stood up and it was really HIGH off the ground. I grabbed hold of some of his fur because my arms weren't long enough to go all the way around his neck, and I asked him if I was hurting him and he kind of growled and shook his head like no so I just held on.

And then he started to run.

It was amazing. He ran along First Beach and it's really short so it only took a minute. And then he was running through the woods and around all over. And the wind was in my hair and my hands were buried in his fur and he was warm and the night was cold and I could feel his muscles moving underneath me and it was the most incredible thing I've ever felt in my entire life. It was like flying, and it was just us and the stars. The little sliver of moon didn't even intrude on us. I could almost feel the joy coming off of him, and I was laughing as he ran because I couldn't help myself and had to let something out somehow. These words just aren't doing it justice. There's simply nothing else like it in the world. I was already in love with him, but I feel even more now.

I don't know how far he ran, but we were all over. He ran along the coast for a long ways, and the wind and the water and the stars and him all together with me… Even now it makes my heart feel like it's getting larger just to think of it. It was way past midnight when he finally brought me back home, and I think he only came home then because I was so tired he was afraid I would fall off. He lay down in the yard and I slid off of his back and then I just lay there in the yard looking up at the sky until he came back. And then he picked me up and carried me and then I don't remember but I woke up this morning – well almost afternoon – and I still had on the same clothes so he must have put me on my bed.

It was the best birthday I've ever had.

* * *

Nov 21, 2020 

Well, today was my first driving lesson. I'm not doing too great. Quil insists that I learn on his car, and it's a stick shift. I told him I should learn on an automatic and then do the stick shift after that, but he keeps saying that I can do it and then I'll be able to drive anything. So I kept trying, and I kept popping the clutch and killing the car. I told him he'd better get out and check underneath the car to make sure the transmission wasn't lying there in the road. He just laughed and said that I wasn't as bad as I thought I was.

Things are different now since my birthday. I don't know how to explain it. Nothing has changed on the physical side of things – and I'm extremely disappointed in that. You'd think 16 would be getting close enough to grown, but nooo. – But there's just something there that's different. It's like we're connected on some other kind of level. I thought I was imagining it, but I talked to Quil about it and he feels it too. But neither one of us knows how to describe it, so I'm just going to enjoy it.

* * *

Nov 30, 2020 

2 weeks until we have the end of term exams. So I'm going to be in study city for the next little bit. I'm not really worried about any subject in particular, but I'm worried about all of them because I am. So anyway… it's been nice knowing you. See you later.

* * *

Dec 13, 2020 

Good luck to me. Exams start tomorrow. Quil gave me a good luck kiss before he left tonight. Those are starting to change too, finally for the better. Still no really deep kisses, but he isn't pulling away so fast. I really like that a lot. Ha. That's the understatement of the year.

* * *

Dec 18, 2020 

Ahhhh done. I have the next 2 weeks to just relax and goof off. Quil is taking me to a movie in a while. I think Sharon and Brandon are going too. They said they might at lunch. I need to go call them and make sure. Maybe Sarah will come too. Dad went to go pick her up this morning. They should be home in a bit.

* * *

Dec 25, 2020 

Merry Christmas! Today was a good one. We all went over to Aunt Emily's house this time. She said we'll be squeezed in wherever we are, and it was her turn to host. Sandy was so cute. She sang some Christmas songs that she learned at school for us. What a little ham. I told Aunt Emily that she needs to check and see if there's any kind of drama club at the school so she could try being in plays. They did that when I went there. I remember working on some of the props in my art classes.

Then we went to the pack party. Sarah was a little weirded out at the thought of Quil being my boyfriend, but both Mom and Aunt Emily had a talk with her and she seems OK with it now. I don't know how much they told her, but I'm glad they did it because I had no clue what to say. I mean, she grew up with Quil just as much as I did, even if she tried to ignore him all the time. So it has to be strange for her to think that I see him that way.

I haven't been writing every time Quil kisses me anymore, because he's been doing it more. Not every day, not nearly that often, but more often than the once a month or so that it used to be. And he touches me more – just putting his hand on my back, or touching my hair, or holding my hand. It's like he's starting to feel better about letting me know that he's thinking of me, which is wonderful. I know it's very, I should say extremely, tame compared to what Sharon gets up to with Brandon, but it's so much more than it used to be for us, that I'm almost content with it. Almost. Because really, I think I'll always want more.

* * *

Jan 1, 2021 

I think that I think of New Years as our special holiday. Everyone else goes out, we stay in. I wonder if Quil knew he was planting the seed all that time ago when he said that we could make our own party and he tacked the Christmas lights around the living room?

We didn't do much this year. We put on the New Years show, but didn't really dance much. We just were together, talking about nothing and halfway paying attention to trivial pursuit – why we get that game out every year is beyond me. We need to get a newer one with more current cards. Just hanging out and waiting for it to be midnight.

At one point I asked him if I really had to wait for it to be midnight to get a kiss, and he just told me that you don't monkey with tradition. And I guess that midnight on New Years will always hold a special place for us. So I guess he's right.

* * *

Jan 14, 2021 

It's gotten really cold here lately. Colder than normal. They keep saying on TV that we're breaking all kinds of records. I'm just glad that Quil is so warm.

* * *

Jan 26, 2021 

The power is out. I got to school this morning and went to class only to find that they were sending us all straight back home. They said a storm was supposed to be hitting soon, and with it being cold the way it's been they were expecting the mother of all ice storms.

They were right. It's coming down as mostly rain, but it's freezing all over everything. It's gorgeous out there but kind of scary at the same time. Mom and I were standing out on the porch earlier before the power went out and you could hear loud cracks of the branches starting to break. That was around 2 and it was already getting pretty dark out there then. Quil came over a little after that and started hauling some wood onto the porch so we wouldn't have to go far to get it later.

He's going to stay here tonight. Mom and Dad don't want him going out in this, even though he says that he'd run so we wouldn't have to worry about him crashing his car, but I didn't want him to leave either so he's staying. It's really creepy. A big branch landed on our roof but it didn't do any damage. It just scared us. Dad and Quil went out in it to check and look for other branches that might fall, but they said that no more should hit the house.

We got out the air mattresses and we're all going to sleep in the living room near the fire. It's too cold back in the bedrooms. There are only 2 mattresses but Quil said that he probably won't be able to sleep anyway and he'll take the couch. I told him that's dumb because he's too long to fit, so I'll probably sleep up there. I'm just glad that he's here with us, because if he were home I'd worry about him and the lines are down so I couldn't call.

* * *

Jan 27, 2021 

I will never ever ever be able to go back to the way it was. Never. Ever. I'm so happy and scared and in love that I can't even think about it without feeling like I'm going to smile myself right off the planet and my stomach starts flipping around.

Oh then, you say, something happened last night did it? Yes dear diary, it did. But being the typical Claire and Quil what-the-heck-are-we-doing romance we had to have strife and a cataclysmic storm to get things in motion. We are true to form if nothing else.

I'm giddy. But let me begin at the beginning.

Last night the power was out, and we wouldn't let Quil leave, and he didn't really want to anyway so it wasn't that hard to get him to stay. We fixed what dinner we could and blew up the air mattresses and hung blankets in the doorways to try to keep the heat from the fire in the living room and played board games and cards by candlelight. A nice, surreal evening with Mom and Dad and Quil.

Eventually, it was late enough that we all got ready for bed. Mom and Dad took the one air mattress nearer the fire – Quil insisted because I was going to sleep on the couch and he said that he didn't need to be by the fire because he wasn't cold at all. So we all settled down and tried to go to sleep. Only I couldn't go to sleep.

For one thing, I'm not used to Dad's snoring. And then, Quil was right there. He moved the coffee table and put his mattress by the couch and we lay there talking for a while, until he said that it was getting close to midnight and we should try to go to sleep. But I still couldn't. I wasn't cold, but I wasn't warm, and I couldn't get comfortable. Quil asked me what was wrong so I told him, and he was going to go throw some more wood on the fire but I didn't want to roast Mom and Dad. So then he pulled me down to the mattress next to him and told me to warm up and then I could go to sleep. It was really warm next to him like it always is, and I must have been really tired because I couldn't properly freak out about laying in a bed next to him before I fell asleep.

I woke up and the fire was really low so I couldn't see much. I was really hot, but I didn't want to get back up on the couch. I wanted to stay right where I was. My head was even on his arm instead of on my pillow.

So I sat up to take off my sweatshirt since I had on a t shirt underneath it, and then lay back down and turned over so I could see him, and that's when I saw that he wasn't asleep. He was looking at me, and he raised his hand up and started tracing it around on my face, and I could barely breathe. All I could do was just lay there looking at him and feeling his fingers moving on my face. And then he kissed me.

Only he really kissed me. Like I've been wanting for all this time. Really really kissed me. And his hands were in my hair and running down my back so he could pull me closer, and somehow my hands were hanging on to his collar and I didn't care that it was freezing outside and that my parents were RIGHT THERE asleep in the room with us because it was all I wanted and more right there lying there and kissing Quil back. It was like that thing that's been trying to rise up out of my chest all this time finally had somewhere to go and it went over to Quil where it belonged. And then I don't know if I moaned or something because he suddenly broke away and got up and walked off.

So I grabbed my sweatshirt and went after him, because he seemed like he was mad and I didn't want him to be because this was something that I'd been wanting so much for so long and he finally did it and it felt so right and so real that I wasn't going to let him get away with running from it. So I followed him.

And he was standing there in the hallway breathing hard and he said "Claire," in this really low voice and I felt like yelling at him but I couldn't because Mom and Dad were right there sleeping and I didn't want to wake them up. So I just whispered back "Quil." And then he said, "We can't do this."

So I said, "Why not?"

And he said, "It's not right. What would your parents think?"

And I was whisper yelling by this point because I didn't CARE what they would think. So I said, "It is too right, and they'd probably be happy that you finally got the nerve to kiss me like you should have been doing all this time." And then I grabbed his collar because he was looking at me with that look again and he let me pull his face down and I kissed him. Hard. And he kissed me back, and his hands were in my hair again and he was pulling me closer and I finally felt like I was getting near to close enough to him and I didn't ever ever want him to stop.

I don't know when we would have stopped if the fire hadn't popped really loud. I was falling into him and forgot all about being cold and standing in the hallway, but we pulled apart and we were both breathing really hard, which made me kind of laugh. He was laughing too, and he looked at his watch and it was about 4:30 in the morning and he said that we'd better get back to the living room before my Dad came looking for us.

So we went back into the living room and I got back on the mattress with him and he looked at me and I told him that my parents would just have to deal with it. They'd know we couldn't get up to anything with them in the room, and I wasn't going to leave my heat source. I didn't think that I'd be able to fall back asleep, but he curled up around me and stroked my hair and I did.

So then this morning he left to go check on things around his place and make sure nothing was damaged, but before he left he kissed me, and it was gentler than last night but everything else was still there. He'll be back here soon. The power still isn't back on and who knows when it will be. Mom and Dad kind of did a double take this morning when they saw where I was sleeping, but I told them that I got cold. Mom was giving me this look though, so she's probably going to be having a talk with me later, but I don't care.

It's worth it.


	18. Chapter 18

Jan 28, 2021

Mom did want to have a talk with me. Actually, I think she wanted to nail me to the wall at first. Or nail Quil to the wall. Maybe both of us. At least she waited until Quil was gone to his house and Dad was occupied outside to talk to me about it. It could have been worse, especially considering how things turned out.

But like I said at first she was really mad. She kept saying, "What were you thinking?" and "How can you imagine that would be ok?" without ever really giving me a chance to answer her. She was really gearing up to go on a big tirade when I interrupted and asked her just what did she think I was doing with her and Dad right there in the room, and I thought I was sleeping next to a very warm person who had gone out of his way nearly every day of my life to keep me safe from harm.

That kind of took the wind out of her sails. She just sat there looking at me in our cold kitchen while was waited for water to boil on the gas stove so she could make some coffee. Then she said that she knew this was coming, but she had hoped that I would have waited a couple more years. I told her how long did she expect me to love someone and not want to be near him every chance I got? She said, "What are you talking about?"

Aunt Emily had been telling me that I needed to confide in my Mom too, and I didn't know how much they talked to each other, so I asked her. And you know what? Aunt Emily hasn't been telling her anything that I've told her. Sure she gives general ideas, but she hasn't told any of the stuff that we talked about. I never knew that she was that good of a friend to me. I mean, Mom is her sister so I just assumed that she would tell her some stuff. Mom didn't have a clue of how much I've been in love with Quil for the last 2 years. When she found out how I've been feeling for so long, she just started crying.

I didn't know if she was mad at me or if it was the whole my baby girl is growing up thing, so I kind of just sat there patting her back and I poured the water through the coffee filter when it finally boiled. She calmed down some when she had her coffee, and then it got really embarrassing and I'm so glad that Quil wasn't there for it because I think I might have just died from it. She wanted to know how far we'd gotten, and I had to tell her that it took him 2 freaking years to kiss me properly. That made her a little too happy. I thought she was going to start dancing after I said that.

And just then Quil showed up. Bad bad timing! So she jumped up all cheery sunshine and gave him a hug and kissed his cheek and went on outside to help Dad with whatever he was up to out there.

So then of course Quil wanted to know what that was all about, and I had to tell him because he wouldn't shut up pestering me. But at least he was all embarrassed to hear what she was so happy about.

The rest of the day was pretty slow. It takes forever to get anything done without the power on. I had to heat water on the stove to pour in the tub to take a bath, and then sat by the fire so my hair would dry. Quil and Dad went out and carried more wood over to the porch so we could get it easily. Fixing lunch didn't take too long because we had the gas stove, but then we had to boil more water to wash the dishes. I found some batteries for the radio and we heard about the power outage that way. They were projecting that it would take until the weekend to get power back to the more remote areas. La Push is pretty remote, and hearing that made me happy. I would get at least one more night with my personal space heater.

I didn't intend to fall asleep at 7, but it worked out really well. Really really well. I'm smiling. Can you see? One minute I was propped up on the couch playing Go Fish, and the next I was waking up, still on the couch at 2 in the morning. I thought for sure that Mom would have changed up the sleeping arrangements, but I guess after our talk this morning she didn't feel like she had much to worry about. So I was on the couch and Quil was asleep on the mattress on the floor by me like we had started out that first night. I really wanted to be near him, but I also needed to pee and brush my teeth, so I snuck off and went to the bathroom.

Don't let anyone tell you that a cold toilet seat in the middle of the night won't wake you completely up. I think I yelped. There should be a market for toilet seats that get warm when the power goes out. I would buy one.

Quil must have heard me yell, because when I came out he was laughing at me and asked if I had any problems in there. I stuck my tongue out at him and just for that I got back on the couch with my back to him. He was really quiet for a minute, and then I felt his chin on my arm and he said, "Are you really going to stay up there?" and he sounded so sad about it that it made me smile. He wanted me with him. That's just the greatest feeling ever. So I went ahead and took my sweatshirt off because I knew I'd get too hot otherwise and got down there with him.

I was afraid at first that all he wanted was to cuddle with me because it seemed like that's all he was going to do and I was hoping for some more kissing. So I decided to kiss him. He seemed surprised by it but he was pretty happy to keep on doing it. That was really nice. But then he thought I was getting too hot and bothered or something, because he said that we should stop. I didn't want to but he just looked over at my parents, and I figured he was probably right so I turned and put my back to him. He curled up around me, and he kissed my neck a few times - that really gave me goosebumps - and then he whispered that he loved me.

This is a really long entry but I really want to remember this whole thing. And we still have tonight and probably Friday night too.

* * *

Jan 31, 2021 

I didn't write anymore about the power outage because after that first bit things were pretty much the same. We took all day to do normal things, and I'd fall asleep way too early from being up half the night, and then I'd wake up in the middle of the night and he'd start kissing me and we'd keep going until he said we had to stop and then I'd go back to sleep with him holding me.

I got kind of spoiled. The power came on late yesterday afternoon and so we all had to go back to normal. And that means that Quil wasn't here last night, and my bed felt very cold and very very empty. I complained about it to him today and he said, "I know what you mean." so at least he's feeling just as sad about it as I am. I wish there was a way to have him with me all night every night but he said that he didn't think he could take that. I asked him what he meant by that and he just looked at me for a minute in THAT WAY and said that right now that wouldn't be a good idea. Sometimes he's so frustrating. And now I have to go back to school tomorrow and be all normal and hum drum every day again and really I just want to go back to when it was icy and the power was out and I got to sleep in Quil's arms.

At least he's still kissing me the way I want.

* * *

Feb 13, 2021 

School is just as torturous as ever. I don't even want to think about it. Valentine's Day is tomorrow, but we're going to celebrate it tonight since tomorrow is a school night. Quil asked me if I wanted to do the fancy dinner thing, but I told him that I didn't think I was a fancy dinner kind of girl. So he asked what I wanted to do and I told him to surprise me. I wonder what he's going to do?

* * *

Feb 14, 2021 

Don't ever let anyone tell you that Quil Atera doesn't have a romantic bone in his body, because it's not true. Sure he's a big old goof most of the time, but he knows how to put on the romance. I told him I didn't want to do the fancy dinner thing because I really didn't want to get dressed up and go sit in a crowded restaurant with all those other people. I wanted to be alone with him, and he must have wanted the same thing.

He called while I was trying to figure out what I should wear when I didn't even know what we'd be doing and told me that I shouldn't dress up. I was really wondering what he was up to then, but I put on some jeans and a cream sweater that I knew he liked on me. He showed up just when it was getting dark with a rose for me. He looked really good too - he had on a dark button up shirt and jeans. I asked him where we were going and he just put his finger on my lips and shushed me.

Then he took me to the beach. I guess you can go to the beach any time without worrying about getting cold when your boyfriend is so warm all of the time. He had a tent thing set up - really it was only a roof on poles - in case it started to rain, and he had a small fire going and a little picnic for us. It was really nice, mostly cheese and fruit and chocolate but he also had these little sausage things that were really good. He got Aunt Emily to make those because he said that he's a joke in the kitchen.

It was perfect. There was hardly any moon and it was overcast (of course) so the only light was from our fire and it felt like we were the only two people in the universe. It was a little bit of heaven, lying on a blanket between a fire and Quil with him slowly tickling my face and kissing me and no one else around.

* * *

Feb 23, 2021 

I love life! I love everything and everybody. Feb has been an excellent month so far. Sharon is threatening to tie weights to my feet, but she laughs about it when she says it. I said I was sorry that I've been so moody of and on for... well pretty much our whole friendship. She said that she's resigned to the fact that I'm bipolar and I just don't know it. I told her that it was complicated and she said that it always is. We cracked up over that. I'm glad we're friends. I can't imagine if my best friend was someone who always wanted to know every single last detail about everything. But then I guess a person like that wouldn't have lasted as my best friend either.

Now if I could just figure out a way for the power to go out again...

* * *

March 6, 2021 

Spring break needs to get here now. Like yesterday now. It's not until the end of the month. I just want to be away from school for a little while.

* * *

March 17, 2021 

I made Quil laugh hard today. It was after school and we were in the kitchen working on my homework - well I was working on it and he was just goofing off and making it hard for me to concentrate. Which is weird because he's usually the one breathing down my neck about getting good grades. I think the sun coming out a couple of days in a row has something to do with it. Anyway, I finally got fed up with him. I threw down my pencil and stomped around the table and grabbed him and kissed him. He was all flustered and asked my why I did it, and I told him that I always thought that St. Patrick's Day was a dumb holiday so I was doing my part to make it better. He thought that was really funny, and then he got out the calendar and started circling all the little holidays that he could find. I started laughing at him and told him about how after our first kiss I looked at every little holiday hoping it was a special enough occasion to get a kiss from him. He just looked at me for a minute, and then he really started laughing.

Great minds think alike?

* * *

March 26, 2021 

Spring break, I love you. For the next week I intend to lounge around doing nothing but reading and painting and being with Quil and seeing how far I can push him.

* * *

March 28, 2021 

OK maybe I won't see how far I can push him. I thought things were great. I thought sitting on his lap would be very nice. And it was. And he agreed. But turning around and facing him with one leg on either side of him makes Quil stop everything, and then he leaves and goes for a really long run and I'm left sitting here on the couch feeling stupid and rejected. Even if he says that he's not rejecting me - he is. He says it's because he's worked so hard to keep me safe and whole to take advantage of me now. I told him that he's not taking advantage of me if I'm the one starting it, and I don't think a little heavy petting would kill me. He just gave me this look - you know the one I mean - and said that it wouldn't stop there and I know it.

I want to ask him if that would be such a bad thing, but I really don't know how he'd take that.

* * *

April 1, 2021 

Quil is funny. He has gotten me for April Fool's Day so many times, I finally figured out a way to pay him back. I decided that today every time he tried to kiss me I would turn my head or something and not let him do it. His feelings were all hurt at first, and then he figured out what was going on. So then it was a game of him trying to sneak up on me and me trying to beat him, until Mom got home from work and he had to behave himself. When it was time for him to go home I walked him out and told him April fool's day, and then kissed him. And he did the whole running his hands down my back and pulling me up closer to him thing that he hardly ever does and it feels so good when he does do it. It was worth denying him all afternoon for that.

* * *

April 22. 2021 

Did you know that today is Earth Day? Quil made sure to point that out. I told him that he's much luckier than I was when I was focused on holidays. I only got 4 kisses that year. He said that he was sorry about that but I was only 14. I asked if 2 years really made that much of a difference, and he said that they did. So then I asked him how different things would be when I was 18, and he just looked at me and smiled.

* * *

May 3, 2021

I'm putting this diary away for the next few weeks. Exams are 2 weeks away and Quil is already starting with the study cards. I asked him why it was so important to him if he wasn't a good student when he was my age, and he just says that it is. I've not thought of it, but what if they're all expecting me to go to college? I always thought that I would just end up getting married to Quil like Aunt Emily did with Uncle Sam. I mean, it's not like Quil can go werewolfing around Seattle if I went to UW like Sarah. And all the academic part doesn't mean that much to me. I would go to an art school or something, but I don't have any great desire to leave La Push. Sarah would probably run screaming for the hills if she heard me say that.

But really it's true. I'd rather stay here with the pack and maybe teach kids to paint or something than go off to school. I wonder what Mom and Dad will say about that. I wonder what Quil will say? Anyway, I'm not bringing that up until exams are done. There's no point in starting all of that now.

* * *


	19. Chapter 19

May 30, 2021

I'm glad that's finally over. Exams weren't that bad, it's the anxiety of them that gets me going. The teachers all act like they're going to be harder than ever, and give out a study guide that's miles long, and then it ends up being a cakewalk. I know they wouldn't be as easy if I didn't have Quil pushing me to study every spare minute to get ready, but don't worry. I thanked him properly when he picked me up at school the last day.

He said that he's leaving his car with me most of the summer, so if I want to go anywhere I'll have wheels. Billy and Sandy are over the moon about that. They want me to take them all over creation this summer. I told them they can buy the gas, and they quit asking. Ha.

I'm starting taking care of them again tomorrow. I'd much rather spend my time making things with them than I would stocking shelves or whatever at the store. And Quil can come over whenever if that's what I'm doing. The only problem is I won't be able to kiss him nearly as much as I want to - or anything else for that matter - because Sandy has big eyes and an even bigger mouth. She'd rat me out for sure.

And no, I haven't brought up college with anyone. I'm chicken, and I still have 2 years of high school left anyway. I'm afraid that Quil is so focused on me getting good grades so I can go, but I don't think he's really thought through what that would mean. I don't like being away from him for the hours that he's not around right now. How could we handle 4 years with only weekend visits at the most? I'd flunk out for sure.

* * *

June 5, 2021 

Quil and I took Billy and Sandy up to Port Angeles today to go to one of the big craft stores. They liked making things so much this week, we decided to make a big list of projects that we wanted to do and go get the supplies for them. Sandy has big ideas - she asked me if we could make her room a princess room. Why not? It will keep us occupied and it might even look nice when we're done. Then I could add another reason to skip the whole college thing - interior design. Right? Sure.

I just can't help thinking about it. Brandon graduated this week, and Sharon is happy about it but she's also all broken up about it too. He's going away to some graphic arts school and so all they have is this summer. He says he's going because once he has the skills he can work from anywhere for any company, so he'll be able to come back to La Push. But he has to go away to get the training, and the place he's going is in California. Sharon is afraid that he won't ever come back but she won't tell him that. It's really sad. I don't want to keep thinking of it but I can't help it. I just keep worrying.

* * *

June 11, 2021 

Sarah said that next summer she's probably going to just stay in Seattle. She's not moving in to a dorm when school starts back up. She and some friends are going to get an apartment, so she'll have to get a job there and stay there during the summer to keep it since they don't rent them for just the school year like they do the dorms.

I wasn't surprised. I'm surprised she came back this summer to tell you the truth.

* * *

June 23, 2021 

Sandy and Billy want to spend a lot of time down at the beach when we're not working on the princess room - which is looking really good by the way. So I had to buy a new bathing suit. Last year's is way too small. So what did I do? I got brave! I bought a bikini. Go me! Sarah said that it's barely a bikini because the top looks more like a sports bra than a bikini top and the bottom looks more like shorts, but really, I felt like I was walking around in my underwear in the normal bikinis. And if my stomach is all hanging out, it's a bikini.

Quil showed up when we were down at the beach and he wouldn't take his eyes off me. I asked him if he liked it, and he just said that it was a good thing Sandy and Billy were there. I just laughed and told him that something could be arranged, and really from the expression on his face I don't know if he loved the idea or if he was petrified by it. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't be so cryptic. No forget that - I wish that all the time. So I asked him if maybe he'd want to come down on the weekend or something with Sharon and Brandon and he thought that would be a good idea.

* * *

June 27, 2021 

Yep, he loves the new bathing suit. We went to the beach with Sharon and Brandon yesterday afternoon and stayed until around 10 when we had to get home. We built a fire and roasted hot dogs for dinner. A bunch of people that we know from school ended up showing up too, otherwise I might have tried to see just how much Quil loves the new suit. He'd probably love it a whole lot, and then he'd leave in a hurry.

But yesterday afternoon before it cooled off and I had to put on the jeans and shirt I brought with me, Quil was all about the bathing suit. If I was laying on my stomach, he was running his fingers over my back. If I was on my back, he was tickling along my stomach. I called him a tease because he would run his fingers along the edge of my top or bottom but he wouldn't cross the line. He said that I had no idea, so I stuck my tongue out at him. He can call me a tease all he wants to but we both know that whatever he wants to try I'm game for it. He's the one making all the rules about that. He always has been.

* * *

July 5th, 2021 

If there's anything better than kissing Quil for a long time, it's kissing Quil for a long time while fireworks are going off.

* * *

July 14, 2021 

The princess room is done! I think we did a fantastic job - especially for how much of it was done by little kids. One wall has a castle with a dragon painted on it even. Sandy loves it, and Aunt Emily is plotting to have us make over the rest of the house. I told her to buy the supplies and say what she wanted and we'd see what we could do, but Billy has called next room. Uncle Sam and Quil are impressed. I hope they remember this when I bring up the not wanting college thing. I need Mom to go see it too, but Sandy will drag her over there to show it off.

* * *

July 24, 2021 

We're going to have a movie night tonight. We haven't had one in so long! I was always trying to figure out ways for us to be alone and never thought about it. Quil was content to go along with my agenda, but then I realized that I always used to know what was playing and always saw the blockbusters, and we haven't been doing that. There are a bunch out that look pretty good right now too, so we're just going to go and see whatever is playing at the time we get there.

* * *

July 29, 2021 

I asked Quil if he would ever take me for a ride again like he did on my birthday, or if that was a one shot deal. He said that it wasn't and got out the calendar so he could check when the next new moon is so it will be dark enough. It's on the 8th so we're going to go then. I can't wait.

* * *

Aug 9, 2021 

It was just as fantastic as I remembered it being. This time it wasn't cold out, but it was still really dark. It was cloudy so there were barely any stars either, but it didn't rain. The breeze was blowing and he ran along for forever and I just held on. And then when I started to get a little tired I just lay down on him and wrapped my arms around his neck as much as I could and he kept going. His fur smelled really good. It's weird, you'd think he'd smell all animal or doggy or something, but he smells more woody like a campfire or something. Almost like a campfire but not quite. It's nice.

This is the kind of thing where words just fail. There's just no way to describe it fully. I was on him with my legs wrapped around him and my arms wrapped around him so I could feel him with my whole body. And he was so warm and smelled so good with the wind going all over us from his speed, and I could feel all of his muscles moving and the motion of his body rocking me as he ran. It was a total body experience. I could have stayed there forever with him running like that. Or even if he stopped I still could have stayed there just feeling like I was a part of him and he was a part of me and we both were a part of the night like that.

He brought me home and I was shaky from it so I did what I did last time and just lay out in the yard waiting for him to come back from changing into Quil the man again. He came back after a few minutes and just stood there looking at me for a while, and then he lay down with me and we just were there together. He said it was probably time for me to get to bed and I asked him how I was supposed to sleep after a night like that. He laughed and said that I was half asleep already, and then he scooped me up to carry me inside.

I didn't plan on it at first, but after being with him like that all I wanted was to lay my lips on him so when he bent down to put me on my bed I grabbed hold of his collar and didn't let go. I thought he'd pry me off like he usually does, but he only said, "oh Claire" (really he kind of moaned it, which was so incredibly sexy I thought I might die of it) and started kissing me like he would never see me again. We were both breathing hard after that, and I was kind of worried that he really was going somewhere, but he said that he wasn't going anywhere. That made me so relieved that I started kissing him again and he was holding my head and half on my bed and me and half on the floor and I couldn't help pressing up against him as much as I could even though I thought it would make him have to leave again. But he didn't, he stayed right there just kissing me while I rubbed my hands over his chest - he only had on an old t-shirt and some shorts - and I wanted so much more but I knew he'd say no, especially in my room in my house with all my family there - which really wouldn't be a good idea now that I'm in my right mind and can think of things like that. But right then I didn't care. But eventually he said that it was time for him to go. I tried to get him to stay longer but he said that he needed to go, and he kissed me one more time and then he was gone.

* * *

Aug 23, 2021 

It's almost time for school to start again. I haven't even thought about what new elective I'm going to take to replace gym. I guess I should do that. I haven't really been thinking about school at all. I think Sharon has a lot to do with that. I don't know what I'm going to do with her once Brandon leaves, and he's supposed to leave on Thursday to go move into his dorm. She's going to fall to pieces. I don't blame her a bit. If Quil was going off somewhere far away for a long time I'd be a wreck. I need to think of something.

* * *

Aug 28, 2021 

I don't know what to do for Sharon. I can't do anything, and I think she's a little mad at me right now because I still have Quil and Brandon is gone. He gave her a cell phone so they can talk with unlimited minutes, and so she's been spending pretty much all night on the phone with him the past couple of nights, which makes it better but worse at the same time. Quil says I need to just give her some space, and be there to do the girly friend things that she needs right now. He said that he'd take us out to a movie like he used to do, but I don't think that's the best idea right now.

I told him that I didn't ever want to go to college and he didn't say anything. He just hugged me.

* * *

Sept 7, 2021 

School started today. I've been spending most of my time just hanging out with Sharon being quiet. We've spent a lot of time over at Aunt Emily's house actually, working on Billy's room. He wanted his room to have a baseball theme so that's what we've been doing - just painting with the radio on. I didn't know if it was helping any, but Sunday she said thanks for letting her help. I told her I owed her for all the crap she went through with me and she said, "You bet you do." and laughed a little, so she's feeling a little better anyway.

I picked up drama as my other elective to replace gym. No I'm not going to be in a play. I'm going to work on the sets. I know what I'm good at.

* * *

Sept 10, 2021 

I dropped trig and got into a statistics class instead. Quil is mad about that. Statistics counts as a math and next year I won't be required to have any math at all. You only need 3 maths to graduate. Quil is all worried now that I won't be able to take calculus without taking trig, and I asked him why in the heck would I want to do that anyway. Math is not my friend. I know this. The only people in trig are the ones who are planning to take calculus next year, and since I'm not planning on that it's pointless for me to put myself through trig when I could do stats and maybe be able to use that information somewhere in real life some day.

I told Quil if he was so hot under the collar about trig he was cordially invited to go on over the the high school and sit right down in class and take it. He stomped off after that. I think this is the first fight we've had in a long time ----- over something as dumb as math class.

* * *

Sept 12, 2021 

Quil came back over last night to say he was sorry and make up. He said that he'd come by earlier but I was at Sharon's house just hanging out with her and being depressed. We were a couple of pieces of work being all depressed over our boyfriends. Her mom just walked in with a thing of ice cream and 2 spoons sticking out of it, handed it to us, and walked back out again. Sometimes her mom knows just what to do. We ate that whole thing and moaned about Brandon and Quil and how pathetic we were being and then we felt better. I'm going to have to go run to take all that ice cream off - oh forgot to say earlier that I made the team again for cross country. I wasn't sure about it this year because we didn't go running as much as we did the other summers, but I guess I was still good enough.

So anyway, after being at Sharon's and binging on ice cream all day I came home in a better mood and Quil was hanging around waiting for me. He said that he was sorry for trying to boss me around about what classes to take and I told him that I have a good brain and I know what my strengths are so I'm going with them. And so we just went for a walk - there was no way I could run when I was that full - and I felt kind of bad because here I was with Quil again and Sharon was still holed up in her room with no Brandon. But not bad enough to worry about her when Quil started kissing me and pulling me close again. I hope that doesn't make me a bad friend.

* * *

Sept 23, 2021

They've asked us to work on the haunted house again this year. That will be good. Brandon is going to have a fall break sometime in the middle of Oct, so he'll be here for a few days and then leave again. We'll probably end up redoing the whole layout just to keep Sharon busy.

I don't mind, but with that and cross country practice, I'm missing a lot of time with Quil. I think I might draft him for any heavy lifting needed for the building, just so he'll be around.


	20. Chapter 20

_Another short one but I'm actually starting to feel tired and need to jump on the sleep train while it's here. Insomnia isn't pretty, but hey - at least you all benefit from it. Right? Understand that I hold no chapters in reserve. I write it, spell check it, and post it immediately. So enjoy!_

* * *

Oct 1, 2021

Nothing much has really been going on. I have school, then either work on the haunted house stuff or practice, then homework, helping Mom make dinner, grab a few minutes with Quil, and bed. Brandon is going to be here next Friday for his fall break. I wish we had a fall break. I could use it about right now. I need a vacation. Mom says I'm taking too much on, but really - it's like this every fall. I just can't say no to the haunted house since Sharon and I are the ones who started it up in the first place. It's not that long and things will calm down again.

* * *

Oct 8, 2021 

I've been informed that I have to go to bed early tonight. Quil is up to something. He said he'll pick me up at 7 -- in the MORNING. All I can get out of him is "mini vacation." I don't know what he's talking about. Mom's pretty laid back about him but there's no way she'd let me go somewhere overnight alone with him.

* * *

Oct 10, 2021 

It was a mini vacation. That's why I had to get up so early - because we had to be there and back in one day. Quil took me to Seattle for the day, and we just went around doing all the lame tourist stuff, but it was so much fun. I really needed that. Trust Quil to figure out a way to get me what I need without making Mom freak out too much.

Mostly we just walked around the aquarium and then around town holding hands. It sounds so silly to write it, but just touching him all day after being away from him so much lately... it was just what I needed. And every once in a while he'd just pull me close or push me against the side of a building and kiss me. It took my breath away. He never does that at home. I asked him what all of that was about, and he just grinned and said that he was on vacation too. It really made me wish that I was old enough to go on an overnight trip with him. If he was that free about kissing me wherever on the streets of Seattle, I'd really like to see what he'd be up for if I could get him alone. Knowing Quil he'd either be a perfect gentleman, or he'd suddenly need to go for a run just when things were getting interesting.

* * *

Oct 17, 2021 

Brandon left on Tues night and Sharon is back in the pit of despair. She didn't come to school on Tues either so she could spend the day with him. I don't ever want to do a long distance relationship. I don't think I could handle it. Brandon said that he thinks it's easier on him because he's in someplace new. Sharon's here where everything is the same as it's always been except for he's gone. He's probably right. That would make a difference.

Sharon is talking about trying to graduate early. The actual grad requirements aren't that much. I don't know how it would work, but it's an interesting idea.

* * *

Oct 24, 2021 

Haunted house starts tomorrow and runs all week. I'm painting faces again. I can bring my homework with me and do it when there's a lull in kids. Quil said that he's going to come sit with me and help.

* * *

Nov 3, 2021 

I'm always so busy during the month of October that my birthday sneaks up on me. I just figured out that it's November this morning. Took me long enough, huh? I don't know that I'm going to do anything special for my birthday this year. How could I top last year? I don't think it's possible. I know I won't get a ride this year. I checked the calendar and it's too close to a full moon to go.

* * *

Nov 6, 2021 

Quil stole me away again today. He didn't take me off to Seattle again or anything. He just showed up at the house and we went for a long walk, and then just spent the day together. He said that he was glad that cross country was almost over with, and I said that I was too but I was a little sad that it might be my last one. He wanted to know what I meant by that, and I told him about Sharon's plan to graduate early. Both of us really only need 3 more credits to graduate after this year, and Sharon figures if we take 2 classes the first half of summer and 1 the last half of summer that will be it and will take a whole year off school. Quil got all upset about this, asking if I really wanted to miss my senior year. I don't know what's so great about it. Besides Sharon most of my friends are Seniors this year, and it's not like I'm going to miss going to prom or anything. He wanted to know what I meant by that, and I asked him if he really wanted to get dressed up and go stomping around the gym at the school for a prom. He said that he'd do anything I wanted to do, and I asked him what if that meant that I didn't want to do crap like the prom. He didn't really have anything to say about that.

So then he asked me if I'd told Mom and Dad about this plan, and I said that I wasn't even sure if I was going to do it. It just seemed like a good idea at the time, and I'd do it to keep Sharon company. She wants to do it so she can go off to school with Brandon next year, and he was really excited at that idea. Since he'll have already been there for a year he'll be able to show her around. They're even talking about her skipping the dorm entirely and getting an apartment together instead. Quil's eyes bugged out when I told him that. I don't know why. I told him that she and Brandon have been dating for ages and did he really think that everyone moved as slowly as he does? He got all mad at that too.

He was so prickly about everything I finally asked him what crawled up his butt and he said that if I graduated a year early then I'd be leaving a year earlier too. So I asked him where he thought I was going and he said "college of course." I asked him what he thought he was doing trying to plan my life again. Didn't he learn anything when he was trying to force me to take Trig. He just said "college is not Trig." That's right it isn't buddy, it's 4 years of my life that I don't want to spend away from you.

So then I started on him. What kind of degree did his little life plan have me getting? I don't want to do graphic arts like Sharon and Brandon do. I'm not a computer person. I paint. I draw. I need paper. And I'm not going off to some big university so other people can tell me that my stuff lacks this or that and force me to take general ed classes to make me be a more well rounded person. I think I'm pretty well rounded enough as it is. I read books for fun, not for work, and I like learning, but I don't want to be graded on it. I don't want to be graded on what I paint, and I don't want to leave La Push. So then I stomped off and that kind of ruined the end of the day. Now I can't fall asleep. I hate it when we fight.

* * *

Nov 8, 2021 

This is miserable. I hope we make up before my birthday.

* * *

Nov 9, 2021 

Quil called. He said that he's sorry, but he's still worried about everything. He wanted to know if I've talked to Mom and Dad about this at all. I haven't because it's really not a full plan or anything. It's not even definite. It's just something I'm thinking about. He said that he thinks I should, just so everyone is on the same page. I asked Sharon if she's talked to her parents about it and she said that she talked to her mom and her mom is all for it. I guess because she sees how Sharon just wants high school to be over and done with.

I guess I should talk to them about it. If I'm going to consider this seriously at all they need to know about it.

* * *

Nov 12, 2021 

UGH! That was so bad. I embarrassed myself royally in front of my parents. I mean, I'm sure I didn't say anything that we already hadn't been thinking but still. That did not go how I wanted it to go. And you know what I just realized? It's November. Time for Claire's Annual Crazy Spectacular. I should just go ahead and write it down on the top of the calendar. We can sell tickets.

Sooo what did I do this time? Well, it all started nicely enough. Quil was coming over for dinner and I decided that it would be a good time to talk with Mom and Dad about the whole finishing high school early idea. I thought they'd be proud and all, having a kid who could pull off graduating in a little over 3 years. The reacted a lot like Quil did though - asking about my future and what my plans were. I didn't really want to go into that, but I guess I should have seen it coming.

So I laid it all out on the table. How I like art, and I like painting, and that's what I'm good at and I can do it anywhere and maybe do rooms for kids like I did Billy and Sandy's rooms this summer. or do art camp for kids, or something like that that includes making art and/or taking care of kids. Basically I don't want to go off and leave La Push (Quil) for 4 years and I don't feel the need for more academics and I really would just like to get on with things.

I tried to keep calm, but it felt like they were all ganging up on me and I lost my temper. So when Quil asked me what else I planned for my future I blurted out "I thought you'd want me to be with you, you big goof!" And then I couldn't believe I said that to him like that, in front of my parents no less, so I got up and I left the house.

Of course he came after me. I only made it to the edge of the yard before he caught up with me so I just stood there while he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. He didn't say anything, which was surprising to me. I thought for sure he'd have something to say after that. So I turned around to look at him and he was just standing there with this huge smile looking happier than I've ever seen him look before. At first I thought he was laughing at my outburst, but he just looked at me and then he brought his hands up and put them on my cheeks and kissed me so gently and sweetly - it made me forget how embarrassed I was. And then he kind of whispered, "Did you mean that?" And I said that I did, but I wished I could have told him under more romantic circumstances instead of yelling at him in the kitchen in front of my parents. He said not to worry about it, that he would see to the romance later. That just made me feel all like jelly inside, and then he started kissing me again and was nibbling on my neck and ears and driving me crazy and I just wanted to climb up on him at that point. But then we heard the front door bang so we knew that Mom or Dad one was coming out to see what was taking so long, so we had to stop.

So that's my annual crazy. Although the end wasn't so crazy. The end was really good. And now they know what I'm thinking about, and really after kissing Quil like that outside I'm not inclined to spend one more minute at that high school than I have to.


	21. Chapter 21

Nov 16, 2021

Happy birthday to me! I'm finally 17. One more year to legal adulthood. I wonder what today will bring? It's not like I've been lacking in monumental events and life changing decisions lately. I should just go for a plain, quiet day today. Nothing fantastic. Just a little cake or something.

* * *

Nov 17, 2021 

Yes, a nice quiet birthday at home. Except for the Quil trying to drive me out of my skin crazy part. The good kind of crazy. The kind of crazy that makes me wish I were one year older and I didn't have Mom and Dad hanging around in their room where they can hear everything going on in the house.

Ever since that night in the kitchen when I yelled about wanting to be with him, he's been ridiculous. He walks around with a big goofy grin on his face and he keeps hugging me and twirling me around. It would be annoying if I didn't enjoy it so much.

So anyway, my birthday. I went to school and everything was normal. Just the usual stuff, nothing spectacular, nothing awful. Nice and boring. Then after school I came home and did my homework. Mom came home from work early and we fixed dinner together. She made cake. Dad came home with ice cream. Quil came over for dinner and had a bunch of roses and a necklace for me. He laughs about how I still wore the wolf one so he got me another one. It's beautiful, white gold with a sapphire pendant. I love it.

So we just had dinner and cake and they all teased me about what I wished for when I blew out my candles. (I wished that everything would work out so that by this time next year I'd be with Quil) And we played games in the living room and Quil built a fire. It was a lot like last year, only the moon was bright outside and Quil already gave me his present so I knew I wasn't going for any wolfy ride.

So then Mom and Dad went on to bed, but Quil was still hanging around and I wasn't in any hurry to get rid of him. We sat there on the couch just talking and watching the fire, and I was starting to get tired so he made me lie down and he sat on the floor by my head just talking and playing with my hair. It was so relaxing and perfect, and then he got up and went to the kitchen and came back with one of the roses he brought me. I asked him what he was doing and he told me to hush and close my eyes. He started tracing the rose around all over my face, and then he'd kiss where the rose had been, and then he'd do more rose, and then more kissing. The fire was warm, and his lips were hot, and the rose was cool, and all of it together made me feel like I was sinking into the couch. I felt like I was trembling all over, and I probably was, and I couldn't cooperate with him any more and had to open my eyes. He was looking at my face and his eyes were so intense... like they were burning as much as the fire was. And then he started kissing me like he did out in the yard the other night. I started to sit up on the couch and he reached over and grabbed my waist and pulled me down on his lap. He was running his hands all through my hair, and kept whispering my name and that we had to stop, but he wasn't stopping any and neither was I. Finally he just put his head in my neck and moaned a little bit, and said that he had to go. I had school and he had to go before he couldn't leave. I didn't want him to go. I knew he had to but I didn't want him to and I didn't care. But he pulled me up and I walked him to the door and he kissed me again and he left.

This is going to be a really long year.

* * *

Nov 25, 2021 

Happy Thanksgiving. Quil and I haven't been alone together since my birthday. It's probably for the best. I don't know if I could control myself.

* * *

Nov 29, 2021 

Exams in 2 weeks. It's time for the usual 2 weeks of Quil forcing knowledge into my brain. See you when it's done.

* * *

Dec 18, 2021 

So if all goes according to plan, I only have to do the big exam week one more time. The summer school schedule won't be nearly so bad because it will only be 2 classes at a time at the most. That will be nice.

Things are calming down with Quil. We both know that we can't let ourselves go. And I really think there's something more there. I need to ask him about it, but I really think that he actually can't do what I want him to do. I remember something he said earlier, but I want to check with him before I go writing about it.

* * *

Dec 21, 2021 

Uncle Sam that meddling jerk. I was right. He put limits on what Quil and I could do. Quil said that he did it a long time ago, back when he first imprinted on me when I was a baby and he had no idea how things would turn out for us. But I'm so mad I could go over there and just smack him. Only that would be like saying, "Hey Uncle Sam, I want to rub myself all over my boyfriend, and then I want to strip down and have wild sex with him, OK?" And that's all I need right now. What a fun family Christmas that would be. At least that explains how Quil is able to just get up and walk away. He wants it just as badly as I do, but he has something that's holding him back. He says it's a good thing because it's the only thing that's made him last this long.

* * *

Dec 25, 2021 

Merry Christmas! I love this holiday. It just gets better and better every year. Nothing too out of the ordinary happened, just everyone visiting and laughing and telling old stories. I need to run get ready for the pack party.

* * *

Jan 1, 2022 

I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I just can't believe it.

Oh my God. I can't believe it.

I should have known something was up when Mom and Dad were in a hurry to leave for Aunt Emily's for New Year's and didn't even ask me if we were going to come. They always stick around visiting with Quil for a while and they never leave without Mom asking at least twice if we'll be over later. But they got right on out of here last night.

Quil was kind of jittery, but I figured it was just that we were all alone together again and we really haven't been that much lately. I was doing my best to be good so he would calm down, but he got worse and worse as it got later. Finally I grabbed him and kissed him and told him to calm down before he gave himself a heart attack. And then he kind of laughed and was ok after that.

We didn't really do anything special. We just hung around by the fire, and didn't really pay attention to the show on TV. We mostly just sat there on the floor in front of the fire, and I lay down with my head in his lap and he played with my hair while we talked about what we wanted to happen in the next year.

And then I went and got us something to drink out of the kitchen, and when I came back to the living room he pulled me over to the couch and made me sit down. Then he got down in front of me holding my hands and was looking at me like he was going to kiss me, so it took me a minute to realize that he was on one knee. And my heart started beating and I felt all trembly like I was going to cry any minute because I just couldn't take it. I have to get this down right... he said  
"Claire, I've loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you, and I will love you every moment to come. Please, say you'll be my wife."

I was crying by that point, so I could hardly answer. I croaked out a yes, and he pulled me to him and kissed me. I don't know when it was midnight, but it was midnight in there somewhere and I'm sure we were kissing for it. I've always loved New Year's Eve.


	22. Chapter 22

_Ha ha! I'm laughing at all the squees coming my way after that last bit. Thank the Red Sox winning the pennant for Quil's sudden proposal._

* * *

Jan 3, 2022 

As wonderful as it is to be engaged and looking forward to living with and loving Quil, there's still the little matter that I'm a junior in high school. Now a junior with a diamond on her finger -- not so easy to explain.

I thought Sharon's eyes would fall out of her head when she saw it. But at least when she asked and I hesitated, she said "it's that complicated thing you can't talk about isn't it?" And I said yes and she let it go. I'm going to have to ask Uncle Sam if I can talk with her about it. I mean, she's not directly involved with the pack, but she's my best friend and has been with me through all of this and I think she deserves to know - especially since she's been so great about not asking me when I say that I can't talk about it.

So Sharon was easy... Everyone else... Well, they all think that I'm knocked up. No no, so sorry. No matter how much I want them to come off, my pants have stayed firmly on my body every time Quil's been around. But of course they don't believe it, and all I can tell them is that we don't want to wait around. None of them are buying it, and it's pretty uncomfortable going into the bathroom and everyone in there stops talking because I know they were talking about it right before I came in. I'm pretty sure the teacher's are gossiping about it too. Yes, I know that I'm 17. I realize that I'm young. I am aware of that.

Because seriously... when you're talking about things like imprinting and soul mates and you know that you will be with someone until the end of your life - what's the point in waiting around? I've already been waiting for what feels like forever, and I can't even imagine what Quil feels like. He's been waiting for years. But I can't tell any of the other kids, or the teachers!, any of this. So I just have to put up with them staring at me and talking about me behind my back. I guess they'll have to figure out something after a few months go by and my stomach doesn't get any bigger. All I can tell them is that I just want to be with him and we don't want to wait, and our parents are ok with it.

* * *

Jan 7, 2022 

Sharon has been awesome this week. She's been defending me every time she hears someone saying anything. I'm going over to Aunt Emily's house in a bit to talk to Uncle Sam about filling her in. It's only fair.

I should just tell him that she deserves to know after almost clawing Lindy Peterson's eyes out in the locker room.

Either that or we should tell everyone that yes I am pregnant, and it's Sharon's. Ha!

* * *

Jan 9, 2022 

So I got to tell Sharon yesterday. Actually she came over here and Quil and I told her together. She kind of freaked out a little bit at first, and then she thought we were just joking around with her, but then she believed it because she'd always figured there was something weird going on like that and it explained everything that we'd always wondered about Quil when we were younger. And then she said, "Claire, this is way beyond complicated," and she started laughing, which set me and Quil off and we all just sat there laughing until it hurt.

That was really good. And it's so much better being able to really talk to Sharon. I always felt like I was bothering Aunt Emily - even though she always says I'm no trouble - just because.

And things are better for Sharon too - with Brandon being gone after he was home over Christmas because now they have a plan and it won't be too much longer until they can be together too. So everything is falling in to place.

* * *

Jan 19, 2022 

I'm siiiiiiick. Is that whiney enough for you? I have a rotten horrible cold. Fever, snot, sore throat, the whole works. I'm hiding in my bed and not coming out until I'm human again. Quil has gone out to find cold medicine, soup, and juice. He's a regular little nurse.

Have I rhapsodized about Quil lately? I don't think I have. He's sooooo sooo wonderful. Let me go all middle school on you for a minute. He's tall. So tall that when we're standing up I can bury my face in his chest and he puts his chin on top of my head and it's like we're 2 pieces of a puzzle that fit together. And he's handsome. More than handsome... so incredibly hot and good looking with all his muscles and the way his hair is just long enough that it looks windblown all the time. I can hardly stand it. And it's nothing when I think about how he is. He's just so everything. It's like nothing makes him happier than just being near me. And I love being around him. It's like I'm empty when he's not with me. Like I'm missing something that I need to survive. I don't think I can really explain that part of it.

He's back from the store.

* * *

Jan 26, 2022 

This time last year the power was going out and I was getting to keep Quil with me all night and he finally really kissed me. What I wouldn't give for that to happen again. Although that would probably be dangerous this year because I'd be all over him and he'd be all over me and then we'd get to wanting to do something that Uncle Sam put a limit on (HATE YOU UNCLE SAM) and then that would be awful and I'd have to go over to his and Aunt Em's house with a baseball bat or something.

Maybe I can get Aunt Emily to work on him. She's been on my side for so much. Although it's kind of embarrassing to think about having that talk with her. I might get desperate enough to do it anyway.

* * *

Feb 4, 2022 

So Valentine's day is coming up. Crap. I can't go talk to Uncle Sam about that. Crap.

* * *

Feb 9, 2022 

Embarrassing. Ultra uber mega embarrassing. Aunt Emily brought it up. But she waited until Uncle Sam had taken the kids out to the mall and it was just the two of us at least. I really did not want to have this talk with my aunt. It's almost as bad as when Mom had "the talk" with me when I was 10. Even though Sarah came and told me everything Mom told her as soon as they'd had the talk. She still had to do it with me.

But this was just as bad - worse really - because it was about me and someone specific. And Uncle Sam is a total hypocrite. He and Aunt Emily moved in together before they got married. And I didn't ask in so many words, but I sincerely doubt that they kept their hands off each other then. But Aunt Emily kept saying that they were older. Big freaking deal. I don't care. All I hear all day long at school (and have been hearing it for years now) is how young I am. Great. Thanks. I can't make time go by any faster people. Shut up already.

I'm a bit testy.

Hmm... wonder why?

But anyway, she said that she understood where I was coming from and how I felt, but it would really be best to wait until I get married or turn 18 like Sam originally said way back when. Great. Best for whom? If I feel like all I've done these past few years is wait, I can't imagine how Quil feels. Since they have each other and they're married and can do whatever they want whenever - I think they've forgotten what it's like to be young and so in love it hurts and not be able to express yourself physically. And like I said when I pointed out that they didn't wait until they were married - all she said was that they were over 18.

ARG!

* * *

Feb 14, 2022 

Happy Valentine's Day. Wee. Let's go drive ourselves crazy again.

* * *

Feb 15, 2022 

Why am I complaining? Sometimes crazy is so so good. I got some sense smacked into my head last night. And who did it? The one person who is being driven as insane as I am about all this... Quil. Of course. Quil. Always Quil. He is so good. He puts me to shame. I've been being a total brat about all of this, and my experience is nothing compared to his.

And he didn't beat me down with it either. He just listened to me talk and he was so calm and so wonderful that I would do anything for him. Absolutely anything. And then I just lay there in his arms and he tickled my face and kissed me so gently, and when I'd move to kiss him back he'd say "shhh shhh" and would move his head back so I couldn't and start tracing over my face again. I called him a tease and he just laughed. And then right before he went home really kissed me and I can't even begin to say what it was like. Everything melted and froze and caught on fire at the same time. And he just grinned at me and said "see?" I told him that I bowed down to him as the king of waiting and he really laughed at that. But it was a good Valentine's day.

* * *

Feb 26, 2022 

So I don't have a belly yet. Uh huh. Would I have a belly now if I was really pregnant? I don't know. They quit saying that I'm pregnant at school now and pretty much everyone has stopped talking about me, but it's still kind of weird. It's not like I ever really fit in outside of art class and the team, so it's not like I'm well known or anything. Really, I was surprised that so many people noticed, but I guess when people think that there's a red hot scandal that's a way to instant fame. Oh well. I'm back to being pretty much a nobody again. Thank God.

* * *

March 7, 2022 

Spring break is in 3 weeks. I can't wait. Brandon will be here next week for his spring break. Sharon is excited. I wonder how many days she'll cut school while he's here? I don't blame her. If I only got to see Quil every once in a while I'd fake a big illness to stay out the whole week. Mono or chicken pox or something. I asked Quil if we'd spend the whole week together when I'm on spring break and he said I could count on it.

Things have been a lot better since Valentine's Day. I think I just needed to complain and get it all off my chest. It's easier to just sit back and enjoy what we can. I still want more. Really bad. But this is ok for now.

* * *


	23. Chapter 23

**_Hello friends. I'm dealing with carpal tunnel so can't update as much. Also, my boys start playing tonight in the World Series. Woo! Someone suggested that Jacoby Ellsbury would be a good Jacob, and I agreed at first. But when I thought about it, I think of him more as Quil. My mental picture of Claire is an actress by the name of Rebecca Berenson. Can't post links here. It won't let me.  
_**

**_And now on with the diary..._**

* * *

March 18, 2022 

I haven't seen hide nor hair of Sharon outside of a couple of classes this week. I don't blame her a bit. Not one little bit.

* * *

March 24, 2022 

One more day of school and then we have spring break. They're going to be starting the registration for summer school after that. I need to do an English, a Science, and an elective and then I'll have all the credits I need to graduate. I'm glad I never took a study hall. It would have made things easier up to now, but I wouldn't be able to skip out on a year so easily either.

I can't wait for spring break to start. I just want to relax and not worry about assignments and who is saying what about me now. I just want to spend the whole week with Quil.

* * *

April 1, 2022 

It's been a really good week. I've spent almost all day every day with Quil, just running around doing things and enjoying having time off from school. We hit up the bookstore in Port Angeles, and walked around eating ice cream, and just enjoyed being together. And then we got to Friday. Today.

Today was wonderful and horrible at the same time. I slept in until almost 11, mainly because it's raining so it was pretty dark outside. Quil came over just as I was done eating breakfast/lunch and it was chilly enough that he built a fire. There's just something about Quil and fire that go together so well. Maybe because he's so hot all of the time, or maybe because he makes me so hot all of the time. Maybe that's why he kind of smells like fire to me. I'm a pyro at heart. I told him he smelled like a good fire today, and he just smiled and said that I smell very exotic to him and he just wants to smell me sometimes because he really likes it. I don't know what he's talking about because I can't smell anything when I try to smell my arm -- unless I need a shower and then I just smell funky. But whatever floats his boat.

So he built a fire and dragged the couch around so it was facing it, and for a good bit of the afternoon I just curled up with him reading my book and he kind of dozed because he'd been running patrol all night. And then it got really hard to read because I noticed that he was just running his nose along my neck and out to my shoulder and then back up to my hair again - so slowly I didn't realize it at first. That's when he said the thing about loving to smell me. He was breathing on my neck, and I tried to hold still because I wanted him to keep doing it. I just laid there and stared at my book even though I couldn't see it because my eyes were pretty much out of focus by then and he was kissing along with running his nose over me. I dropped the book because my hands just quit working and I asked him if he was trying to torture me, and he said "such sweet torture" and kept doing it. And oh dear God I could hardly move but I turned so I could kiss him back and there was that feeling in my chest like something was leaving me and going into him. I knew that I shouldn't be doing it because it only make it harder for both of us, but I couldn't help it. And then he moved his hand so so slowly down my side and to the small of my back, and my shirt was hiked up from me turning over on the couch so he was touching my bare skin, and I couldn't help it. Instinct just took over. For both of us.

It never ends well when that happens. One of his legs came up between mine and he was pressing me to him and I was hanging on for dear life and kissing him like a fool. And he'd say "we have to stop Claire." And I'd say "I know." But neither one of us could do anything about it. Finally he just couldn't take it anymore and he put his forehead on my neck and we just lay there breathing hard and I wanted to scream and cry but I knew it wouldn't help and might make him feel worse. So I just said something about it being torture again. And he said "sweet torture" and started kissing me again. And oh God I had to keep going right with him because I couldn't stop even though I knew we were at our limits and all we'd end up doing is breathing hard and aching. It was like I was falling and my head was spinning and there wasn't anything I could do but hang on and keep right on with it. Hate you Uncle Sam. You're not even Uncle anymore. You hear me? HATE YOU SAM. not really but right now I HATE YOU HATE YOU HATE YOU.

That was pretty much the afternoon. We started out slow and hit the limit, calmed down and hit the limit, calmed down and hit the limit, and it was wonderful and awful and fantastic and horrible all at the same time. I'm glad we waited until today to do that because we could have spent the whole week like that and I really would have gone to Sam's house with a baseball bat and whacked him with it. I asked Quil why we kept doing it and he said, "I can't help it Claire. I need you." And I need him too. And it's torture, but I can't help myself. I'm some sick twisted addict who can't get enough of what I want so I just take what I can get.

* * *

April 14, 2022 

Right now... 1) hate schoolwork  
2) hate Sam  
3) love Quil  
4) want Quil really bad  
5) hate Sam and his rules

* * *

April 25, 2022 

I hear you. I hear what you're saying. You're saying "Claire I realize that you are incredibly sexually frustrated and it's only worse because you have a boyfriend/fiancé with an incredibly hot bod who is lusting after you just as hard but could you please talk about something else for a while because you're making me ache and I'm just a book." Sorry about that Diary. How about this?

Excellent news! And everyone said that doing the Haunted House took so much time and energy and what did I get out of it? I got points for an elective out of it. Yah! Sharon and I went to talk to the guidance counselor today about our summer school options and graduating early. She saw that we each only needed 3 credits to qualify, and that one of those was an elective - and she saw that we were the ones who worked on the Haunted House from the beginning and have put in a lot of time and energy to that over the years, and she said that all that work should count as our missing elective credit! So now we only need 2 classes, which will be easy enough since we can do one each summer term and that will be it! Isn't that fantastic? So I'm signed up for English Lit the first half of the summer and for Biology II-ecology for the second half. Excellent excellent. I have to get cracking on the book list for English Lit. We have to do 8 books' worth of stuff in 5 weeks. I'm glad I won't have to worry about another class because that's going to be intense.

* * *

May 9, 2022 

Last time for Quil boot camp. Exams in 2 weeks. yes yes yes! After this there will be the one English and the one Biology this summer and I am DONE! Done done done done done! Woo!

* * *

May 27, 2022 

Done! Can you see me dancing? I'd be jumping on the bed if I thought I could do it without breaking it. Tonight we are going out to celebrate. Me and Quil with Sharon and Brandon. And then when he brings me home we are going to be all over each other driving ourselves insane but I don't even care. I'm sick sick sick and I don't care. Want Quil. Need to touch him. don't care. Shut up Claire and just go already. Yep. I'm gone.

* * *

June 6, 2022 

It's kind of crappy doing summer session 1 because we just got out of school on Friday and here I am again like I only had a weekend off instead of getting to have summer. But this means that I won't have to be here all next year. Focus Claire. Eyes on the prize. 3 hours of class in the morning. That's all. We talk about the book for the first 2 hours, and then the last hour we have to write an essay on whatever topic. It's going to be rough, but it's cramming a whole year of work into 5 weeks. It's going to be worth it. I'm glad I've already read half the booklist.

* * *

June 10, 2022 

First exam was today. It's hard but easy. Hard because it's a lot to cover really fast, easy because we just covered it so I haven't had time to forget it. It's worth it. It's worth it. It has to be.

* * *

June 30, 2022 

I don't have time to write. This Lit class is sucking all my time away. Tomorrow is the last test before the final next Friday. Then we have a week off between sessions and then it's Biology. That should be easier because it's not so much reading. I'm so glad Ms. Green gave us credit for the haunted house. Having another class might have been too much. I would have done it, but I wouldn't have had a very good grade.

* * *

July 4, 2022 

We have today off for the holiday at least. Not that it matters. Quil is on his way over to make me study. We'll go to see the fireworks tonight. I hope. I'm going to smack him if he tries to bring those freaking study cards with him.

* * *

July 9, 2022 

Ahhhh. I have a whole week off now before I have to start going back to school for Biology. Half done, half to go. Sweet sweet freedom.

This week's plan is be with Quil as much as possible, and figure out when we're going to stop being engaged and start being married. Can you believe we've never set a date? I didn't think about it because I still had so much school ahead of me, and I did NOT want to be married in high school. It's weird enough being engaged with all the people talking. I mean, I wouldn't change it for anything, and I love to look at my ring and know that Quil picked it out for me and wants me to be his wife, but being the gossip event of the year wasn't the nicest part of it.

But now I only have this one class in between me and the rest of my life. 5 weeks (after this one) to freedom. To the rest of my life with Quil. We have some planning to do. I've never been an overly girly girl, so we have to figure out how to get married in our own way.

* * *

July 11, 2022 

Can you have a wedding bonfire? Hmmm... bonfire reception? Wedding on the beach with a bonfire reception? My biology final is Aug 19th. I think the earliest we could do this and keep my sanity would be in Sept. That's 2 months away.

* * *

July 14, 2022 

Quil suggested the end of Sept because it starts raining more in October. Oct 1 is a Saturday so we're planning on then. That will give us more time to get everything that we need in order. He loves the idea of a wedding on the beach, and a bonfire for the reception. Neither one of us is a very fancy person and you can't really fancy up a bonfire. But he also said that he hoped that I wouldn't be mad about not being able to stay at the bonfire for very long. Clueless me asked him what he meant about that, and he said, "Claire... we'll be married," and just looked at me until I had to jump him. That made him laugh. He laughed even harder when I asked him if we had to go to the reception at all.

* * *


	24. Chapter 24

_**13-1. 13-1! Does that call for a new chapter? I should think so! **_

_**This one is for Niamh - for lusting after Jacoby with me.  
And for Blood Filled Tears - because her reviews make my face hurt for laughing so hard.  
And for Retro446 - because I've been taunting her with one particular scene for ages. Oh yes Mama. Bring it. **_

* * *

July 18, 2022 

Biology isn't going to be so bad. It will mean lots of study cards. Quil and his freaking study cards. But they will come in handy. I bet he's already started making them and color coding them.

* * *

July 27, 2022 

It's hoooooot. Some day Dad will break down and put air conditioning in this house. Then it won't be so bad. And they're forecasting a killer August. Great. After class today I had lunch and then went to the beach. Yes, I took my textbook like a good little student. But I didn't read any. I fell asleep. But it was much cooler there than it's been in the house so I couldn't help it.

* * *

July 30, 2022 

2 weeks of class down. 3 to go. 3 more weeks. That's it. Then I'm done. Eyes on the prize. The prize is Quil. I love some prize. I need to lay off the coffee.

We're headed to Port Angeles in a little bit to look at wedding dresses. I do not want to look like a princess out of a Disney movie. I'm going for simple. Sharon and Mom are coming with me to help. Sharon is going to be my maid of honor. I want something simple and sleeveless. Timeless. It will be kind of chilly for sleeveless but Quil will keep me warm. We're going to be on a beach so I'll have none of the beads and bows that most dresses have. I have to pick out a color too. Like I can pick just one to like. We'll see what they have and I'll go from there.

* * *

July 31, 2022 

Found it! It doesn't look too wedding-y, but it's perfect. Just exactly like I pictured in my head. It's more of an evening dress, only it's white, and has a high waist in the front with a kind of halter top. It has wide straps that are twisted together over my back, and it's mostly backless with only the straps meeting in the middle and then they separate and go to my hips. From the front it looks a little plain and mostly modest, but from the back I look completely scandalous. Quil is going to love it, and I can imagine his hot hands on my back. He won't be able to help himself. Sharon is going to wear this beautiful dress that looks gray if you look at it from one direction and blue if you look at it from another direction. It's sleeveless too, but she's going to wear a wrap over her shoulders because she won't have a big werewolf keeping her warm. So now all we have to do is get the matching vests and whatnot for Quil and Embry to wear, and that's the whole wedding party. I'm glad it's small. It makes it easy. We've decided on sunset for the ceremony, and it will be beautiful with the sun setting over the ocean right there on the beach. We won't have to worry about flowers because nothing would compare. We'll just have the flowers for the button holes and the ones that Sharon and I carry. Simple, but it's exactly what I want.

Quil will be here in a minute. He's going to try to cram some more Biology into my brain. I'd like to cram a little different kind of Biology into his brain. ha!

* * *

Aug 3, 2022 

There's something that I hadn't considered and I'm so glad I have Sharon for a friend because she brought it up and I wouldn't have thought about it and really it's something I should be thinking about. I'm talking about the pill. I love kids, but I don't want to get started on that right away, and my luck I'd get pregnant on my wedding night. So that's another thing I need to get done. Sooner rather than later. Like go call the doctor right now and get an appointment. Because I think that by the time we get to that point we're not going to want to stop to figure out the niceties of condom usage. Nope. That will be the farthest thing from my mind.

Sharon's been on it for a while now. She never told me and I never thought to ask. I asked her if she was going to get on it before moving in with Brandon, and she just looked at me for a second like... "Claire, we passed that point a long time ago." Whoops. This whole Sam moratorium on all things remotely fun is making me naive.

* * *

Aug 5, 2022 

This is the hottest Aug ever. Hot hot hot. If you can't find me, check the shower. I might have drowned in there trying to cool off. Had an exam in Biology today. It wasn't bad. I'm doing pretty well in there. 2 weeks to go.

* * *

Aug 9, 2022 

I asked Quil where we are going for our honeymoon, and he just said that he isn't wasting a perfectly good vacation on our honeymoon. I got a little mad at that, because hey! I'm supposed to get a honeymoon! I'm supposed to go somewhere and be all lovey dovey and make people say "aw, newlyweds!" and be all happy with Quil all day. We're supposed to do something romantic like kiss on the Golden Gate Bridge or something. Aren't we? I was spouting all of this stuff off and he just sat there looking at me and grinning at me. I finally asked him what was so funny, and he said that we'd do all that stuff eventually, but he wasn't wasting our honeymoon on that. I was all irritated by that point, and just stood there looking at him like he was crazy.

So he got up and came over to me and kissed me, and then he whispered in my ear, "Claire, I've booked us a room in the Olympic Lodge in Port Angeles. I didn't want to go anywhere else because it would be a waste when we're not going to see the outside of our hotel room for a solid week." And then he kissed me right behind my ear, and it made me break out in goose bumps. Not just the kiss but what he said and what it meant. Olympic Lodge sounds perfect to me. 52 days. I just counted.

* * *

Aug 14, 2022 

Biology final is on Friday. See you then. When I'm free. Free and done. done done done.

* * *

Aug 19, 2022 

FREEEEEEE. FREE AND DONE!

Quil and Brandon are up to something. First, they didn't come to get us after our exams today. Then, both Sharon and I found notes in our rooms to dress up pretty and be at my house at 6. I bet it's something to do with us being done. We can't find them anywhere either. And it's sooo hot. I don't particularly want to get dressed up. I called Aunt Emily to ask what this is all about since Quil runs a lot by her before he springs it on me, and she said we really need to play along with it. She said wear something really nice. So I'm going to raid Sarah's closet. She wore this little black cocktail dress to her senior prom, and it's still in there. I told Sharon what Aunt Emily said and she thinks her Mom has something. She's going to just come over here to get ready. They'd better not make us wear those stupid hats.

* * *

Aug 20, 2022 

Quil and Brandon are the two most romantic men on the face of the earth. I don't know which one of them came up with the idea, but they both were just beyond anything we expected. We thought we were just going out for a celebration dinner or something. Until they showed up in tuxedos. Quil in a tux. It's a good thing I got a preview of our wedding day last night, because it was all I could do to not go right up to him and start ripping it off of him. (hate Sam! HATE!) But I couldn't do that in front of Sharon and Brandon either, although the way they were looking at each other his tux and her dress were removed before Sharon was home. (HATE SAM!)

Anyway... sexual frustrations aside... ahem...

They took us out to a really nice dinner, which even though I'm not a big fancy dinner kind of person it was a lot of fun. Maybe because Sharon and Brandon were there. or because it wasn't a stuffy restaurant - they took us to one of those Japanese restaurants where they cook the food at your table. And the air condition was CRANKED in there probably because the tables give off heat. So that was an added bonus. The guy threw shrimp at me and I caught it in my mouth and they cheered. Better than Brandon. His bounced off his nose.

After that I thought we'd just be going home, but they took us to the beach close to where Quil and I spent that Valentine's day that year. So it was kind of secluded. They'd put up Christmas lights around and had a little sign that Brandon must have done that said

Class of August 2022 Senior Prom

Those two! They were just standing there grinning at us and then Quil said, "It's not stomping around the gym with toilet paper decorations, but we did our best." Sharon and I just laughed, it was so good. So we took off our shoes since you can't really dance on a beach in heels, and we loaded up the CD player and we had our own little prom. It was so much fun, and with the breeze coming off the water it wasn't too hot. It's been a while since Quil and I danced. I loved being in his arms just dancing around and he'd stop and kiss me or he'd whisper something in my ear and it was just delicious. Simply delicious and perfect.

* * *

Aug 24, 2022 

37 days. I need to hang on to that. 37 days. 37 days. 37 days. Oh God, 37 days. I've been saying that I hate Sam, and I don't really but right now I think I could cheerfully bludgeon him to death with a baseball bat. It's a very good thing that we don't own one of those. And this is me after I tried to drown myself in a shower for about an hour. And it's almost 6am. Good God. I don't know if I can take this.

OK... spit it out Claire. Get it out of your head and on to paper and then maybe it won't be so powerful. Ya right. Oh great good Lord. I can't even think of it without breathing hard. I'm just going to write it as I think it. This is too visceral to get down any other way.

It's hot. I've been complaining about the hot and our lack of air conditioner all month. Probably longer. So ya. It's been really hot. Today it was extra humid because it's acting like it's going to thunderstorm but it hasn't. There's just heat lightening and thunder going on, but no rain. Kind of like my body. Yes. My body is reflecting the weather._ oh his body_...

I went to bed like normal, only it was so hot I just wore a tank top and my underwear and I propped the big fan in the living room window blowing out so it might pull some air from outside in through my window. And I just laid there on the bed hoping to cool off enough so I could fall asleep. And I must have fallen asleep because I woke up about 2am so thirsty it felt like I hadn't drank anything in years. So I got up and went out in the kitchen to find something to drink.

We've been keeping a pitcher of water in the fridge lately, because the water coming out of the faucet doesn't even feel cold. So at least we can get some really cold water even though it's hot. So I got up and went to the fridge to get the water, but the light from the fridge was really bright. There weren't any other lights on and other than the lightening from outside and it shocked my eyes a little. I was standing there squinting into the fridge trying to figure out where the water was when something hit me from the side.

I couldn't even scream I was so surprised, and then I realized it was Quil, and then he was kissing me. And I mean _kissing_ me. I thought he'd been really kissing me before but _my God_ this was something else completely. My butt hit something and then I was laying across the kitchen table and he was kissing me. And his hands. His huge hot hands were _everywhere_. Like I'd wanted for so long. All over me.

They were so hot and his lips were so hot and I didn't care because he was here in the middle of the night. And the _heat._ It wasn't because he was hot, or it was hot outside. It was heat from me, from my very center way down deep, and it rushed out to fill every inch of me. I was lying across the table with my shirt half up and he was leaning over me and all he had on were those ratty old basketball shorts. And all that was between him and me was his ratty old shorts and my thin thin underwear. I could feel him pressing against me and I pressed back and wrapped my legs around his waist and he was swearing but he grabbed my hips and slid his hands under me and picked me up and started walking back to my room. And he was still kissing me and I was kissing back as hard as I could. _I can't stand this_. I couldn't believe it was happening because we were way way beyond the limits. The limits were so far back there we'd stomped them to dust. And then I was on my bed and he was there with his whole body pressing against mine and it was thundering outside and I still couldn't believe it. It felt too good to be true. My head was spinning and then he suddenly fell on his knees on the floor with his hands on his head like he was in pain.

He was swearing and I felt like crying because I wanted him so bad. So so badly. And he was hurting because he wanted me too. And stupid stupid Sam is too hard headed to lift the rules and I HATE HIM RIGHT NOW more than I ever have before. Quil finally let go of his head and we just sat there, me on the bed and him on the floor, and we looked at each other. He said that he was sorry, and I told him not to be, that it was totally worth it. That made him smile and he said, "yes it was." I asked if we could go hurt Sam and he said that as much as he wanted to he couldn't do that. I asked him what he was doing here anyway, and he said that he was on patrol and came by to check on me and I wasn't in my bed and that freaked him out. So he phased and came in to find me and saw me wearing not much of anything and he couldn't help himself.

He had to go back on patrol, so he left. He only pecked me on the lips before he left. He said that he couldn't handle more than that. I couldn't either, and as soon as he left I came to stand in the shower.

And now it's almost 7am and after feeling him like that I want him more than ever. 37 days. God help me. 37 days.

Some day I might look back on this and laugh, or think it was a good thing to wait. But right now... right now I really hate Sam.

* * *

_So sorry to do this to you. But the tension has to reach a fevered pitch. (rimshot)  
Seriously, by this point this piece is about wanting, and so it needs to be very wanty. Wanty and hot. Like Quil.  
And before you ask, I won't have the lemon in this piece. This will keep its "T" rating. I will write one, but it will be in a separate piece. So don't pester. It's coming. It just takes time to write a good one._

_Many thanks.  
Alice laughed  
_


	25. Chapter 25

_Well folks, I've enjoyed the ride. I hope you have as well. Thanks so much for all of your comments, PMs, and reviews. I'll keep going with Quil's POV as I can, and of course the lemon (which will be called Heat) when I can. I may include an epilogue here, but I'm not sure if it fits as well as I originally thought.  
Again, thanks so much. It's a pleasure to write for such appreciative people._

_Alice laughed _

* * *

Aug 26, 2022 

35 days. We're dealing as best as we can with this. Quil has started calling me "jail bait" and so I'm calling him "perp" or "perv" depending on my mood. He better hope Dad doesn't hear him calling me jail bait though. Fiancé or not, Dad would blow a gasket over that.

So anyway, the perp and I have been avoiding being alone together. It's one way to deal I guess. Or if we're alone, we're not really alone because we're out in public. We have to get a handle on this before the wedding. If we don't when the minister tells Quil to kiss the bride all of our guests will get a floor show.

We went to the bakery and picked out cake today. Frankly the way both of us are acting they probably could have stacked up a bunch of Twinkies and we would have gone for it. And it was just us going. Sharon and Brandon left to move in to their apartment yesterday, so I have to get through the rest of this only talking to her on the phone. And it doesn't help knowing that she's already where I'd like to be relationship wise, even if they aren't officially married. And there I go again.

We ended up choosing the specialty of the bakery - of course. If they have a specialty, pick it. It's what they're best at. So we're having a cake that's thin layers of chocolate cake with raspberry cream between the layers. It's like sin on a plate.

* * *

Aug 29, 2022 

32 days. Sharon is going to come home Labor Day weekend for my bridal shower. I didn't even know I was having a shower. Quil's been living on his own - well, with Embry anyway - for a long time. But Aunt Emily said that half his stuff is not suitable by any means. She said that she's sending Sam over there with a shovel to move Embry out while we have our shower. I feel kind of bad that Embry has to find another place to live, but not really. He doesn't seem that put out about it either. I think he might be moving in with his girlfriend.

So anyway, that's happenings in La Push. We have dresses, minister, cake, suits for the men, and Dad is roasting a pig for the main part of the bonfire. I asked Sam if that would be enough to eat, and he said that he's arranging for a few backups. Dad has no clue how much all of them can put away.

The perp and I are getting a handle on things. Not really, but that's what I keep telling myself. If I say it enough it will come true, right?

* * *

Sept 2, 2022 

28 days. Yes I am going to start every entry with how many days are left. It's the most prominent thought in my head. Heck, the most prominent thought in my whole body. Hello, my name is Lust, I mean Claire.

And no, it's not getting any easier. It's getting harder. You'd think it would be easier as we get closer to the wedding, but no. No it's not. Not when Quil comes over and we dance around in the living room practicing for our first dance after we're married, and he holds me so close and breathes in my ear. No it doesn't get easier. Not at all. We spend a lot of time walking the limit line.

Sharon is flying in tonight. My shower is tomorrow afternoon at Aunt Emily's house. That should take my mind off things.

* * *

Sept 4, 2022 

Take my mind off things. Take my mind off things? Ya right. Sure. Take my mind off things indeed.

My own Mother. My own freaking mother. I can't believe it. Do you know what she did? Aunt Em said that she did the same thing to her when she got married to Sam. Let's just say that I won't be calling Quil a perv anymore. That title as been appropriated by my Mom. Yes that's right MOM IS A PERV. Let me tell you what she did.

She gave me a "gift basket." Here I'd spent the last couple of hours playing stupid games and unwrapping things like blenders and waffle irons and she comes out at the end with this "gift basket." And what was in this gift basket? Things were in this gift basket. Things that got worse and worse the farther I got down into this overly large gift basket. On top, a bottle of champagne and 2 glasses. Nice Mom, thanks. That will be fun. Then, chocolate truffles - ooh yummy! I love chocolate. Then, a silky lingerie thing - ok Mom. Walking the line a little there, but ok. And then... Good Lord. Lotion and oil and cream and things that are meant to be eaten. But that's not all. Also included was a BOOK. An ILLUSTRATED book. An illustrated book about SEX. From my MOTHER. Which I received in front of everyone at the shower. And I stopped there. There are more pervy things in that basket that were under the book and I did not even look at. Frankly, I'm a little afraid of what might be lurking at the bottom of that basket because I recently found out that MY MOM IS A PERV!

She and Aunt Em were sitting over there cackling like a couple of hens while I sat there several shades past red. I thought I was going to have a heart attack, or a stroke, or both. Sharon was looking over my shoulder trying to see what else was in there. She wasn't even embarrassed but then she wasn't the one opening it in front of her aunts and cousins. And then... oh God KILL ME NOW. Quil got there. He came to see what we got and take me home, and so he walks in and I have this big basket full of sex sitting right at my feet. I mean, if anyone is having a harder time with this than I am it's him. He's been waiting for this since I was 2 years old - 15, almost 16 years. He just kind of froze there looking at me with his mouth hanging open and he was turning red too. I looked at him and said, "Run Quil," and he didn't need any further encouragement. He was out of there like a bat out of hell running for his life. or his sanity anyway.

And they all started laughing when he did that. Mom was hooting and holding on to her sides like she was going to fall out of her chair. Aunt Sue was fanning herself and trying to catch her breath. I was waiting for the floor to swallow me whole. They really enjoyed themselves a little too much with that. Later they all said they were sorry for laughing so hard. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to look any of them in the face again.

* * *

Sept 6, 2022 

In another life I would be starting my senior year today. Instead I slept until 10. Ahhh. 24 days.

* * *

Sept 12, 2022 

18 days. Things are moving now. Everything is pretty much finalized. I've been over a Quil's a lot this week, putting things away and cleaning. Ugh. You wouldn't believe the state of the place when I started. Not only 2 bachelors, but 2 bachelor werewolves. I'm surprised the place is still standing. You'd think that all the pizza boxes and beer cans were providing structural support. No wonder Quil never wanted to go over there. The few times I was there he must have just shoved everything into his room. And I'm pretty sure they "cleaned up" before I came over there to clean. I shudder to think of what it looked like before they did that.

Quil was all sorts of happy that I was there. It was really sweet. I'd be standing at the sink doing some dishes and he'd come up and move my hair out of the way so he could kiss my neck. Or he'd just come up to me and twirl me around. It was hard to get anything done with him being so goofy sweet. You'll be happy to know that the couch is as thoroughly broken in as the limits allow, after I steam cleaned it anyway.

* * *

Sept 16, 2022 

14 days. You know, the waiting is actually getting easier. Not really but I'm repressing. I'm trying to not focus on Quil the walking sex on legs, and trying to focus on Quil the man - which is not hard to do because he's so wonderful. I mean, it is hard to do, but it could be worse. We've kind of been over the top jokey lately. I guess it's our way of dealing with the stress. Which is much better than fighting or staying away from each other. We tried both of those options and they didn't work well at all.

Dad heard him calling me jail bait, and he hit the roof. I told him to talk to Mom about the basket of sex. He walked away muttering that he didn't even what to know what I was talking about. Which reminded me that I didn't know what happened to that basket after it made it back here. Quil said that he stashed it in the trunk of his car. I told him that someone has big ideas. Ha!

Aunt Em tried to make us leave her house the other night. She said that we were making her nervous. I said no dice, that it's Sam's fault, and she had to deal with us. We were only playing cards, but Quil kept saying all these suggestive things. He was completely over the top. My face hurt because I was laughing so hard. I think we're a little drunk on unexpressed urges.

* * *

Sept 22, 2022 

There's not much left to do. Sharon and Brandon are going to get here on the afternoon of the 30th. They're flying in to Port Angeles and we have to go pick them up. We'll pick up the tuxes for the men at the same time. Quil said that we should go on one last double date that night too, just to take our minds off things. The pack is throwing him a bachelor party in a couple of nights. I asked him what they were going to do for that, and he said probably something that involved a lot of beer. I would worry about a stripper or something, but Sam is running the show and I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't go for that - what with his completely insane limits and all. He'd better not. Quil said they're probably going to sit around drinking and pelting him with advice about what he should do for our wedding night. It sounds almost as bad as the basket of sex, but I probably wouldn't have been as embarrassed about that if I'd been swilling beer all afternoon. No, I'd still have been embarrassed, and then I probably would have thrown up.

* * *

Sept 27, 2022 

Soooo. ya. Brilliant idea that didn't go so well. I guess Quil isn't the only one who's been thinking that we want to avoid giving the crowd a floor show at our wedding and reception. So we decided that we should practice our wedding kiss. You know, keep it more than a peck, but not much more because really that would not be what we wanted to do. So we practiced that, and it went well, and it was a lot of fun.

So then Quil, or should I say The Perp, gets the big idea that we need to practice going slowly so we don't run right through everything on our wedding night in our eagerness to finally be able to get somewhere. Probably would have been ok if we'd been on my couch or in my room where my parents could walk in on us or hear us, but no. We were at his house, soon to be our house. With no one else around. Completely alone. You see where I'm going? I'm sure you do. I'll take frustration for $1000 please.

Not to say that we didn't stretch it out. Really, I don't think we have a problem with that at all. That's how we've had to be going on all this time. You either stretch it out and enjoy, or you run flat out and hit the limit way too soon. So we were sitting on the couch watching a movie on TV. Or pretending to watch a movie anyway. I wasn't really paying attention to it because I was feeling Quil running his fingers through my hair and fighting the urge to climb on to his lap. I asked him if he was trying to seduce me, and he just laughed and said that he could never be as seductive as I was just sitting there. Ha. Right. That's when he said that we should practice for our wedding night, and I about melted because he didn't say it so much as kiss it along my neck.

And I'm supposed to be this big seductress. Sure.

He was tracing his hands along my arms and legs and through my hair - and he knows that's a total weakness of mine. Since he was playing that game I went for the big torture and hiked my leg over his lap so I was sitting there straddling him and I attacked his neck. He just moaned my name and grabbed my hips and I thought he was going to move me off of him but he pulled me closer instead. His hands were cupping my behind and he was guiding me to move and that fire that starts at the base of my stomach started raging again. I told him that his head was going to start hurting and he said that he didn't care. It wasn't so bad as that hot night because we both had on more clothes, but it was worse because we had on more clothes. His hands were sliding up and down my back, and I was kissing him for all I was worth and getting hotter and hotter both inside and out and oh good God I didn't want to stop when he couldn't take it anymore and I had to rip myself off him.

He said that it's not a normal kind of pain in his head, that it's like someone yelling at him and they get louder and louder until it hurts. And I love him so much I hate to think that touching me makes that happen to him. He says that it's worth it. He can hardly stand NOT touching me, that he meant it literally when he said that we won't see the outside of our room for a solid week. And here I'm panting. I want his hands on me and his lips on me and his everything touching every part of me and I'm about to crawl out of my own skin with it. I can't stand it. It's Tuesday. Our wedding is Saturday. Why did we make it at sunset? We have to get through the whole day. God, I can't take it.

* * *

Sept 30, 2022 

Tomorrow. We're getting ready to leave to go get Sharon and Brandon at the airport. We have every minute between now and tomorrow night planned out so we don't go crazy. I can't believe it's finally here.

* * *

Oct 1, 2022 

Today. Today is the day I've been waiting for my whole life. Even when I didn't know I was waiting for it, I was waiting for it all the same.

Today I get married. Today is the beginning of my life with Quil. The limits will be lifted, and we can stop wanting so much. Although I don't think I'll ever stop wanting. No. Never stop wanting. We'll just have a direction to go with all that heat.

I can see it in my mind. We'll be there on the beach with the sun setting behind us in pinks and oranges. The only sounds will be the waves and our voices as we say the words that will bind us together, though we're already bound by something much deeper than anyone outside the pack can understand. Quil said that I pull on him like I have my own gravity. Little does he know, he pulls on me the same way.

Our friends and family will surround us and celebrate with us. And then we will slip away to celebrate ourselves. It feels like an ending and a beginning at the same time. It's something that I've been wanting for so long. My chance to live with and love Quil, to bask in his attention and his heat, to be his wife.


	26. Epilogue

_Alright kids, here's your epilogue. It's very hard to say goodbye to Claire. She's become a good friend over these past couple of weeks. I may write some more of her in the future, but right now this is where the story ends._

_Thanks again for all your kindnesses, emails, PMs, reviews, and love. Seriously, I never imagined this kind of support when this idea hit me in the middle of the night. _

* * *

_15 years in the future_

I haven't looked at this diary in ages, and just sat here the whole afternoon reading through it again. It brings back so many memories of that period of my life when I was growing to know and love Quil. Ah that was such a heartbreaking but beautiful time in my life. Wanting so much... the want practically screams from those last pages. I may have to send the kids over to Emily's for the night - this diary brought those feelings back so strongly.

And memories of our wedding. That was a day of such joyful agony I don't think I could ever forget it. Spending all day being corralled by Sharon, Sarah, Mom, and Emily as they tried to keep my mind off things so I wouldn't run screaming down the street. They took me all the way to Port Angeles to get my hair done just so it would take more time out of the day. It had to be up to show off the back of that dress. That day is all a blur until I get to Quil.

Even after all this time, it's still like that for me. My Quil. Always Quil. Standing there in front of the sunset in his tux - the epitome of tall, dark, and handsome - his eyes never leaving mine as my poor sad Daddy walked me down the aisle to give me away. I should have written down the words we said that day. I can't remember them at all. I only remember the emotion behind them. It made his voice so rough and husky I quivered. It's that same voice that he uses now with me in the night. That part of him that is mine and mine alone. And I quiver today even more than I did that day on the beach.

And now here we are. The house and kids - the whole nine yards. Back again in La Push after being away for so long. Quil was right about me and college - of course he was. Being a therapist with the kids in the hospital, helping them express themselves and their fears through art - it's what I was meant to do. And he was with me every step of the way. Pulling diaper duty while I studied, working to get me through school so we could come back here to where we began. It's a dream come true. I truly have it all.

Jacob came by today. That's what made me pull this diary out and read it. I think the last time we saw him was when he came out to Spokane to visit. I was so round and pregnant with Avery then. Little did we know that my first born child would unlock his spirit.

The look on his face when he first saw her - well now I know what Quil looked like when he saw me all those years ago. At least Avery is 5 now. It might be a little easier on him than it was on Quil. And no one will understand this better than Quil and I do, so there's nothing to explain. Quil told him that it's the hardest road to travel, but is worth every bit of pain in the end. We saw a little bit of that joy on his face when she put her little hands on his cheeks and laughed. It's like watching him come alive after he's been closed off for so long. He's been closed since I've known him.

After reading this, I need to be sure to remind Jacob to get her a diary when she's older. She's going to need it.

* * *

_So there you are._

_Again, many thanks,_

_Alice laughed. _


End file.
